Need input / constructive criticism for my 800 word biographical essay... Hit me where it hurts !
Not the best grade point average and high standardized test scores. This kid must be a slacker. The end. It is so easy to see only that, but as is often the case, there is much more to the story . In that perfect world that does not exist, I should have been a normal, healthy teenage kid whose grades matched his test scores and who was president of his high school class.
As a youngster it seemed the wind was always at my back. My dad was a young professional whose job took him overseas and my twin brother and sister and I were home with mom who did not work. We moved to a good neighborhood, lived a comfortable life and I was identified early on as a boy genius. There were trips to XXX University to Programs for Talented Youth, I performed in local plays, sang solos at school talent shows, and was elected President of Student Government at my large public school.
The summer before my ninth grade year I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and just as the curtain opened on the Great Recession my parents separated, re-united, separated again, then divorced and my life changed in ways that I never could have imagined . Chaos and economic hardship became familiar companions and what life that did not suck out of me, Crohn's Disease did. I wanted so badly to be the healthy kid who did not miss school because of a chronic illness that I hated literally from the gut, but for me, life had other plans.
I have spent the better part of my high school years struggling with Crohn's symptoms, worried that my friends might figure out my clothing came from thrift stores and whether my parents would be fighting when I came home from school. You see, I live among affluent people and had once been part of that crowd. Despite the illness, the divorce and the stresses I soldiered on. I took as many honors and AP courses as I could and tried hard to be normal. It was not easy. In fact, the combination of challenging courses, Crohn's related absences, the stresses and economic hardships related to my parents' separation and divorce all took their toll on both my heart and my grade point average. It would have been much easier to retreat to the comfort of less challenging courses for the sake of my grade point average but I resisted the temptation.
It is a fact that plants grow best in a stable, fertile environment. As much as I wished it were so, the soil where I lived was rocky and infertile, the nourishing rains were irregular and it seemed the wind always blew. From a distance, or to a casual observer this plant does not seem to have reached its potential. I wonder though, whether the plant that reaches only eighty percent of its potential in a hostile environment is not in fact stronger ? Imagine waking the morning of an AP English test to find your house has no electricity because mom did not pay the utility bill and yet managing a 5.0 on the test. This is the sort of adversity I faced and overcame. I am thankful for the opportunity to acknowledge my weaknesses and share how they have helped shape me as a human being. I have worked hard to maintain a normal life. I have participated in both swim-dive team and hockey at the varsity level all of my high school years, I have remained active in my church, volunteered to serve those less fortunate than I , worked summers as a lifeguard and coached a youth dive team.
I am now under the care of great doctors at Children's Hospital XXX, my medications and treatment have changed and my health has improved. I am ready for the fertile soil of a great university where I know I can grow and prosper to my fullest potential. What I have to offer cannot be taught in a classroom. I have faced and overcome adversity. I am a human being with texture and tenacity and I am ready to face and conquer the challenges to come.
Not the best grade point average and high standardized test scores. This kid must be a slacker. The end. It is so easy to see only that, but as is often the case, there is much more to the story . In that perfect world that does not exist, I should have been a normal, healthy teenage kid whose grades matched his test scores and who was president of his high school class.
As a youngster it seemed the wind was always at my back. My dad was a young professional whose job took him overseas and my twin brother and sister and I were home with mom who did not work. We moved to a good neighborhood, lived a comfortable life and I was identified early on as a boy genius. There were trips to XXX University to Programs for Talented Youth, I performed in local plays, sang solos at school talent shows, and was elected President of Student Government at my large public school.
The summer before my ninth grade year I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and just as the curtain opened on the Great Recession my parents separated, re-united, separated again, then divorced and my life changed in ways that I never could have imagined . Chaos and economic hardship became familiar companions and what life that did not suck out of me, Crohn's Disease did. I wanted so badly to be the healthy kid who did not miss school because of a chronic illness that I hated literally from the gut, but for me, life had other plans.
I have spent the better part of my high school years struggling with Crohn's symptoms, worried that my friends might figure out my clothing came from thrift stores and whether my parents would be fighting when I came home from school. You see, I live among affluent people and had once been part of that crowd. Despite the illness, the divorce and the stresses I soldiered on. I took as many honors and AP courses as I could and tried hard to be normal. It was not easy. In fact, the combination of challenging courses, Crohn's related absences, the stresses and economic hardships related to my parents' separation and divorce all took their toll on both my heart and my grade point average. It would have been much easier to retreat to the comfort of less challenging courses for the sake of my grade point average but I resisted the temptation.
It is a fact that plants grow best in a stable, fertile environment. As much as I wished it were so, the soil where I lived was rocky and infertile, the nourishing rains were irregular and it seemed the wind always blew. From a distance, or to a casual observer this plant does not seem to have reached its potential. I wonder though, whether the plant that reaches only eighty percent of its potential in a hostile environment is not in fact stronger ? Imagine waking the morning of an AP English test to find your house has no electricity because mom did not pay the utility bill and yet managing a 5.0 on the test. This is the sort of adversity I faced and overcame. I am thankful for the opportunity to acknowledge my weaknesses and share how they have helped shape me as a human being. I have worked hard to maintain a normal life. I have participated in both swim-dive team and hockey at the varsity level all of my high school years, I have remained active in my church, volunteered to serve those less fortunate than I , worked summers as a lifeguard and coached a youth dive team.
I am now under the care of great doctors at Children's Hospital XXX, my medications and treatment have changed and my health has improved. I am ready for the fertile soil of a great university where I know I can grow and prosper to my fullest potential. What I have to offer cannot be taught in a classroom. I have faced and overcome adversity. I am a human being with texture and tenacity and I am ready to face and conquer the challenges to come.
