first draft really need help and comments on what i should take out and add
my stats aren't that great so this is my only hope
The word "Ethiopian" over the years have been manipulated to mean so many things nowadays. Its new terms stands for starvation poverty hunger, usually when person refers to an Ethiopian, it means someone extremely anorexic or poor. Yet they all have forget the rich history it once held to be Ethiopian. The country that was never colonized. The place where the human race began. Society is so quick to focus on its flaws, it overlooked all the great qualities that comes from being Ethiopian.
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Mismak, it is important that your essay center on only one given theme instead of the two themes that you have running here. The first theme that you have revolves around racial discrimination since you talk at great length about the hardships and negative treatment that you get from your classmates, friends, and teachers because of the concept that they have in their minds about Ethopians. This is better known as racial discrimination. Then you have the other theme, the story central to your identity and the development of your desire to become an educator. The story of the respect that Ethopians have for their elders and educators.
Of the two themes, I believe that the second theme, respect for their educators, is the more important and central story that you should be telling the admissions officer about because it is truly a part of your culture and tradition as an Ethopian that is central to your identity as a person and citizen of Ethopia. It is something that is little known in the Western world and should therefore be brought to light by discussing it in your essay.
Sure there are grammatical errors that can be corrected in order to make the essay smoother and more grammatically correct. However, I would rather that you concentrate on telling the story you have to tell the admissions officer before we make any grammatical changes so that we can save you some editing movements. I hope you can revise the essay by centering it around the theme of respect for educators soon. I believe this is central to your story because you wish to become an educator in the future. So it directly relates to your academic plans and other essay prompts.
so i edited up my essay to focus on one theme
but im not sure if i left out important details that were relevant in my original or added extras
Over the past years Ethiopia has gone through drastic economic problems that left the country in poverty. The scarcity of clean water and food has killed over millions of lives. Being a third world country Ethiopia's rich history and contributions are lost and become irrelevant compared to the famine and deaths weakening the nation. Ethiopia is no longer seen as the greater powerful nation that successfully resisted European imperialism anymore. To the media and western world it's the face of starvation and hunger. Knowing this my parents including many other left the country in hopes of rising a new generation well educated to save the country from poverty. Although Ethiopians stressed the importance of education and had great reverence for it, they lacked the technology and resources to enforce it. Unable to fully educate their children at home they looked to an economically developed country as a source. They believed America gave children education opportunities far greater than those back home. Willing to sacrifice everything for their children's benefits they moved here in hopes of providing their children with academic opportunity.
Although I spent most of my life in the US, my parents never let me lose my Ethiopian identity. No matter what the country was going through they had a strong sense of nationalism like most Ethiopians. Culture and respect was always present in my life, they would never let me forget the life and beauty of my home country. No matter how the media puts us, they tried hard to always point out the positive. Explaining the only reasons they came to America is so that one day I'm well educated enough to fix the problems of my own country. No matter the corruptions they saw, hope was never lost. The value they placed on my education helped me see my responsibilities in life. Every Ethiopian knows the hardships thrown at us by society as immigrants in a new world. Faced to live with new people and covert to their idealistic way of life. Our parents would constantly pierce in our minds their sacrifices. Giving up their luxuries life in Ethiopia to live in a lower class, working sixteen hours a day job, just for our educations. These reminders is what kept me going. I have no excuse not to be the hardest working person in my class knowing what my family goes through to provide that chance. Being Ethiopian and the responsibilities that comes with it was the virtue to success.
Even on the occasional days when I forget what it means to be Ethiopian, I would always have that one teacher that always reminded me. When we do something wrong, Mrs.Freedman would say to me and the rest of my other Ethiopian classmates, "Don't forget you're Ethiopian". She was aware of our strict culture and respect we have towards our education and also to our educators. From young we are taught educations as rare jewel to never take granted, because not everyone is given the same opportunity. Taking any time away or limiting our self from it is something most Ethiopians would never accept. That is why so many of our parents are willing to sacrifice everything for their children's education.
Seeing this always encouraged me to work hard in school, and share that knowledge with others around me. When society gave me reason to hide from my identity, I now found ways to make it my reasons for success. One of my main goals in life is inspired through the perseverance of my Ethiopian culture. My culture taught me to be proud and have no shame in my Ethiopian identity, giving me endurance to strive for high academic success. This determination gave me strength and challenged me to work hard in school to teach others the value of education and its impact over our success
Mismak, this is a better essay but it is still too long. Can you tell me what prompt you are trying to answer with this essay so that I can help you decide which portions to shorten, revise, or delete? Those are some of the steps that we can take to help tighten the essay and make it more relevant towards displaying the information that the admissions officer expects to read in the essay. Right now, I am still not sure what message you should be trying to convey. Is it a story about your central identity? Is it an obstacle in life that you had to overcome? Or is it simply a general statement about who you are? Once I am sure of the question we are trying to answer, we can begin to edit the essay towards its solid form. It will still require some editing on your part but at least you have done half the work already, the essay is already too long so we will definitely need to shorten it :-)
Common App prompt on the word limit is 650
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
i really don't know which parts to shorten but i understand it being too long and cutting out unnecessary parts
also i needed to know if my edited version focuses on one theme in this essay or is it still not focused like the last one
