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The world that I come from is very peaceful and I am thankful for that - statement for UC


machine392 1 / -  
Nov 26, 2012   #1
Prompt #1

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I'm not sure if I am addressing the topic correctly. Try to fix grammar issues too and be harsh please! I only have 4 days left!!

The world that I come from is very peaceful and I am thankful for that. I am surrounded by my family and friends and I am very lucky too. Not everyone has that. If it wasn't for them I probably won't be the person I am today. They have helped me since I was born. They made a big impact on my goals, personality, and dreams.

My family consists of six people: My dad, my mom, my younger sister, my older brother,my younger brother, and of course me. They made me who I am today. They had a impact on my goals, personality, and dreams. But the person who had the greatest impact would probably be my older brother.

My older brother has always helped me through life. He is two years older than me so it gives me advantages to what to do and what not to do. I have always looked up to him and he always helped me when I struggle. My brother is always positive and in a good mood. We never fight with each other. When I needed help with homework or something he was always there for me. My parents worked a lot so they weren't home most of the time. He was also a positive role model. He got good grades, had really nice friends, and had a positive attitude. His friends were really nice to me and helped me too. They never acted rude either. This made me want to be like him. He chose the right path which made me choose the right path. He influenced me to do things that I would of never done. He persuaded me to go fourth in life. He is the only one who understands me the most. He is not just my brother but my best friend. He currently goes to a UC . I want to go to a university just like him to help people have a better future. He shaped my dreams and goals too.

My dream is to help people in life. I want a job that does that. That is why I want to become an engineer or a math teacher. I might become an engineer because I am relatively good in math. I am not sure what type of engineer yet but the type I choose will help in society. I also might become a math teacher because to help educate students and help them take the right path in school. Since I know how it feels to be a student and I have been through what they have been through. I am getting closer to my goal by taking the highest math classes at my school. I have been getting good grades in my math classes ever since I was little. It is the subject I understand the most too. So it would make sense to go down this career and help people have a better future in life because everyone deserves one.

David Hunter - / 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #2
Most of the sentences are run on, check grammar and check essay format. An essay has three main point which is introduction, body, and conclusion.
aleckdanielle 2 / 23 6  
Nov 26, 2012   #3
My family consists of six people, but the one who has made the greatest impact on my life is my older brother, NAME.

That's a good way to summarize the first two paragraphs in only one short and sweet sentence.

Try to use strong verbs, like inspired, and influenced, instead of "he made me" or " he got me to". It'll help make your essay stronger and straight to the point.

I think you need to make the connection between your brother and your desire to be an engineer more directly. And circle the idea of your brother being an inspiration to you in the end of the essay
humnaafzel - / 1 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #4
The world that I come from is very peaceful and I am thankful for that.
Try something different like for that, I am thankful.

I am surrounded by my family and friends and I am very lucky too. Not everyone has that.
Try to combine them so they don't sound so elementary. because not everyone has that.

They have helped me since I was born. They made a big impact on my goals, personality, and dreams.
Combine this because it sounds repetitive. Ever since I was born, they have helped me by largely impacting my goals, personality and dreams.

My family consists of six people: M y dad, my mom, my younger sister, my older brother, my younger brother, and of course me.
m y dad
and, of course, me.

They made me who I am today. They had a impact on my goals, personality, and dreams.
You already said that.

He is two years older than me so it gives me advantages to what to do and what not to do.
Reread that, think about what you want it to mean, and rewrite it.

I also might become a math teacher because to help educate students and help them take the right path in school. Since I know how it feels to be a student and I have been through what they have been through.

Do not be hesitant about your career. UC's want people who are sure of themselves.
I want to become a math teacher, because I would like to educate (High School?) students. Because I can empathize with their journey, I want to help them take the right path in school.

I'm going to be completely honest. It's a little been there, seen that. And you and your brother never fighting is unbelievable. Also, you didn't talk about HOW your brother helped shape your dreams and goals, you just said he did. I'm not trying to be mean, but you said to be harsh. Your world seems like you had a great life, you're continuing to have a great life, and you look forward to having a great life. There is no spark.


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