Hi, please I want a review on my essay.
Prompt: Write a brief statement outlining your personal and academic goals (100-word maximum
Goal differs with respect to humanity. Everyone has his/her ambitions and tries to work hard before such goals could be achieved. My long-term personal goal is to become a prominent figure that will serve as role model to others in my underprivileged community. Academically, my goal is to become a journalist who will disseminate information that will create civic awareness and serve as an avenue for liberating the vulnerable and innocent in my community. Thus, studying at ***** University will allow me to gain the required competence, develop my intellectual capacities and interpersonal skills so as to satisfy my goals.
Word count: 100
Everyone has his/her ambitions and tries to work hard before such goals could be achieved.
I feel like if you're going to put this sentence, you would have to elaborate on the hard work you have done, or are planning to do to achieve your goal. Other than that, good essay considering you had such a small word max!
Let me try to comments your essay. You are good to explain your words with simple and understandable sentences. But, in my opinion you should give your reasons why you really want to get your goals briefly and strongly. So, the readers will understand with your dreams. Moreover, you have make it clear. "be a prominent figure" is to absurd and general, make it more specific. For example,I want to be a journalist who can influence many people to do positive activities for others because of my writing, so I will be a role model for those who really want to be a great journalist .
However, for your academic goals, it's better if you write your dream which relate to your education such as achieving post graduate and becoming Master of Art or PhD. Then, ensure that your selection of university can provide your aim.
I hope It helps, good luck then :)
Thanks guys for the review on my essay. Below is a new version I have come up with.
Becoming a figure of hope and a role model to others in my deprived community has always been my long-term personal goal. As an ambitious journalist, my goal is to disseminate information that will create civic awareness and serve as an avenue for liberating the vulnerable and innocent in my community. Obtaining a Bachelor's degree and studying at ** University will allow me to gain the required competence, develop my intellectual capacities and interpersonal skills in order to satisfy my goals.
I think your revised essay is a lot better than your first essay, but you should think about changing your last sentence. The school already knows implicitly that you are trying to attend the school to pursue your goals, so it is somewhat redundant to state that obtaining a BA at certain university will allow you to complete those goals. And again, the prompt doesn't ask for a plan to achieve the goals, but merely to state what your goals are. Instead, I advise you to scrap the last sentence and use that word count to better support your two goals, and to better explain what your academic goals are (which should be related to something academic i.e. getting into a journalism program, graduating with a high GPA, research with a professor, etc.).