Dj controller
I just turned to 16 years old last April, it means that I've been living for 16 years. Honestly, there were many unforgettable experiences throughout, I suppose one of them, which popped into my mind initially when i first saw this topic, was the first time, i had ever struck up with my dj controlle. To me It was an indescribable experience. No words could convey my feelings and my thoughts that day, though I'll try to simplify it. Off the top of my head, it took place on Saturday. It was an ordinary day . Everything just happened the way it is supposed to be. But deep inside myself there was sth that palpitated, looked forward to, excited. The day before , I decided for no reasons to choose that saturday.I don't know how could i slept very well in that night, whereas woke up feeling worried the day after, That day seemed to me elapsed really slow. Finally it was about time to perform. There were 7 people who attended the party. They were all my friends. They were so excited and looking forward to the performance. My performance wouldn't be flawless without the help of my friend Kim. She and I prepared well to please the attendance by adjusting my room a little bit, moved 2 desks together and hid a ton of mess behind the curtains. I also borrowed Kim's speaker and a room light. I got my performance prepared by connecting the speaker with my laptop and having the light set up. It was terrific and gorgeous. The vibe was insane. It blew everybody's mind. Before I started performing, I asked my friends to go out and justified myself with only a reason for that I still had something to prepare for. Actually the perfume and put on hair wax. I was already pleased with the sight in front of my eyes. Meanwhile I also felt extremely anxious, palpitated with fair and trembled with anxiety. Despite of having so many eyes on me. I tried to call deep on my courage and pressed the start button at once. The first minutes really put me under pressure. Until everybody started to feel and sing along with the music, I was relieved. I also heard some whispering compliments from the audience. At that moment, I knew that I succeeded and I would continue to do this again. Although I made a couple of mistakes in my performance, I had a feeling that the perfect output sound from the speaker Marshall and the bar lights really compensated for my mistakes. That night ended up wonderful for me and I slept quite deep that night.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15460 it means that I've been living for 16 years.
That's a given based or the previous statement No need to spell it out and be condescending to the reader. You don't need to state things twice.
As a creative writing paragraph, the presentation is dry and one dimensional. You do not effectively set up the flashback presentation or the characters. While it is a direct narrative, you could use a better foundation for the narrative development to help engage the reader. Personally, I wasn't drawn into the story you were telling so I could not share in the excitement of the story. The lack of proper development made the work a tell, rather than show and involve description. It is difficult to follow the story progression. The story needs to unfold over several paragraphs instead of only one paragraph. Several paragraph presentations would have allowed for a better imagined story .
There is one more thing I would like to add is that you should really pay attention to your grammar, especially your punctuation. In your essay, there are plenty of errors and they would definitely reduce communication and make it harder to understand.
You made quite many grammar mistakes here. I highly recommend you post your essay on grammar to check some basic grammar mistakes first.
For ex, these are the mistakes you made
+ turned to 16
+ "Honestly, there were many unforgettable..." => too long and not clear
and so on
Were you tired and wrote like "ok whatever"? There are so many typos and even an acronym in your essay. You should try some more grammar structures and combine some sentences too, such as:
"There were 7 people who attended the party. They were all my friends." -> "The party has 7 attendances who all were my friends."
"The first minutes really ..." -> In the first minutes, my heart nearly jumped out of my mouth.
"Until everybody started to ..." -> My friends seemed absorbed in the music, but not until they started singing along the melody did I breathed a sign of relief.
"But deep inside [...] elapsed really slow." These lines are really vague and do not properly convey what you are trying to say.
" Although I made (...) for my mistakes." This line does not convey a good impression of you as a person. Why would you want something or someone else to compensate for your mistakes? In my opinion, it would be better if you try to mold it as a lesson learned. Maybe you were able to do better in your next performance because you learned from the mistakes you made.
