When I visited Yale last year, I saw a professor swinging a bucket full of water vivaciously around his head. Little did he know that what was just a demonstration of centripetal motion for his students had turned into a moment of epiphany for a mesmerized 17-year-old onlooker. This seemingly mundane experience showed me that I belong in a school that is as passionate about teaching as I am about learning. Rumor has it that Yale hates my school. Ever since that day I have denied those rumors. I'm not like everyone else. Yale's my school.
Word Count: 98
In my opinion, I think that you should rewrite your essay just for Yale. A way to tell if a college specific essay needs improvement is if you can interchange the name of the college in the essay. To be honest, you can be mesmerized by any professor from Yale, Harvard, or Princeton swinging a bucket of water. I would also suggest taking out the sentence about the rumor.
I re-edited:
Definitely keeping in the professor thing because it was #1) wild to see a professor do something that crazy at an ivy league and #2) totally true. I totally get the rumor thing tho..my college counselor told me to write about it but it seemed artificial. xx cheers
Yale's a little bit quirky, exceptionally ambitious, and has a dash of brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. So do I. Yale values creative teaching. So do I. When I was walking down Hillhouse Avenue in October, I saw a professor swinging a bucket full of water vivaciously around his head, assumedly demonstrating centripetal motion. Little did he know that his mundane yet bold demonstration had become a moment of epiphany for a mesmerized 17-year-old onlooker. If that class in any way represents Yale's identity, then how could I think of going anywhere else?
whoops it's this one:
Yale's a little bit quirky, exceptionally ambitious, and has a dash of brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. Just like me. Yale values creative teaching. So do I. When I was walking down Hillhouse Avenue in October, I saw a professor swinging a bucket full of water vivaciously around his head, (hopefully) demonstrating centripetal motion. Seeing a professor take the time to creatively demonstrate an academic concept for his students reminded me of why I love learning. If that class in any way represents Yale's identity, then how could I think of going anywhere else?
I love your new essay! It seems more personal than before and clearly shows your interest in Yale. A few changes in the essay would make it perfect. Take out "So do I" and "(hopefully)".