Hi,
Can someone please check this common app essay for me? Its about my significant experience. I know your first reaction will not be a positive one, as this is a very long common app essay. But that's exactly what I am posting it here for. I need to shorten it a lot, but I do not know how. I have tried to show 6 months in this. Please help me. I aim to apply for unis like UPenn.
Please help me out.
I guess it should fall in the significant experience topic.
It all began during the track and field IASAS event held at my school. 8 athletes were already positioned at the starting line for the 200 meter sprint. As soon as the gun was fired, they began their journey cutting through the air, taking big steps and making their way to the finish line. I heard the crowd roar for their favorite. Those 22 seconds of the race struck me with amazement and ebullience. I had never seen such a mesmerizing crowd for a 200 meter event, in which one merely had to run as fast as possible. Staring at the athletes, waving to their supporters, I decided that I want to be one of them on the tracks, racing his way to the finish line, encouraged by the incessant roars of his fellow mates. But the next track and field tryouts were a long later. I rather decided to train for the upcoming cross-country tryouts 6 months later. This was all how I began training myself aiming to complete a 5 kilometer distance in no more than 22 minutes.
On my first visit to the gym, I calculated that I would require a constant speed of about 14 kmph to complete 5 km in the required time. I straightaway began running on the treadmill at the speed of 14. After running 1 min and 30 sec, I was already on the verge of falling off the treadmill. Fortunately I pulled the emergency stop and got off the machine. That night my legs ached as they had never before. For the next two days I was unable to stand on my feet. I then understood that this journey will not be an easy one. Everything will have to be subdued systematically. I then began the next session with a steady speed of 10 kmph and was delighted to have survived 10 minutes on the treadmill. I was also bewildered to notice that the absurd ache in my leg had dissolved. I continued my way for the next one month, running 10 minutes every day. It was then that I first noticed my leg muscles taking shape and extrapolated that if I wish to run more, I will have to work on them simultaneously. I began cycling after running to strengthen my legs so that they do not hamper me from running long. I even began spending time climbing floors instead of using the elevator. Days passed, and I kept advancing. After 2 months I could run 15 minutes at 10 kmph in a stretch and cycle 10 minutes at about 110 rpm (rotations per minute).
However, the third month was a big obstruction. I needed time to train myself and study for exams. Dividing time appropriately between the two tasks had become an important issue. It could have been very easy for me to go off track my dream and give up on training, but seeing my classmates talking about athletics kept my spirits high enough to have patience and run even thrice a week if not five times. I turned serious about both the tasks. I wanted to run every day, just as much as I wanted good grades. I believe it was this tenacious desire that provided me the strength to keep training hard even after missing 2 weeks of workout. It was also along the exams week that I realized the importance of a healthy diet to an athlete. I began consuming more of high carbohydrate foods and stuck to the motto of abstinence from any food or activity that would work against my aim. After the exams, I felt just like I was starting this course afresh. While running I was daunted by thoughts such as 'I have gone off track and returning now would be totally impossible' and 'my mechanism has not been designed to endure this pressure', but just then I would envision myself finishing the line first, and question myself that if they can, then even I can. I persisted my training and within the next 20 days I was back on track, running 25 minutes in a stretch and cycling 20 minutes. My confidence level had reached its pinnacle when I was able to complete 5 kilometers in 30 minutes in a few days. Then, the day of tryouts arrived.
I was able to complete the distance on the track as well with my competitors giving their best. First 10 names had already been announced, and it was time for the last name. "And the name of the final candidate making this year's cross-county varsity team is *another person's name*". An uncontrollable shock struck me right through the face. I could not believe myself when I was not selected in the team. 6 months of tenacious and persevering effort was rewarded with failure. I could not stop tears from flowing out of my eyes, dripping from my perspiring face. I repudiated all those sayings of 'hard work pays off' and such. This is what hard work rewarded me. I had lost all my motivation to look forward to work hard for anything at all. Nothing could be crueler than this.
A few days later, a friend of mine challenged me for a short race. I had never beaten him. However, that evening, I was surprised to find that I defeated him by a satisfactory margin. This experience instigated me to squint a bit and consider what my cross-country training had offered me rather than what it did not. I then had a clear view of everything I had gained and I was blithe again. I had learned how to manage my time effectively, an area I had always been weak in, when I looked up my exam result again with all A's. My diet was full of healthy foods and I had lost my penchant for any unhealthy activity, including eating chocolates. I had lost 4 kg and had turned fit. I was able to play any sport, including squash, my favorite sport, for a much longer time without running out of stamina. I had learned to overcome obstacles with a systematic approach and had learned not to give up even when there may seem no way out. It is a sport of mental strength and endurance which I had grasped firmly by the time of tryouts. I had grown strong mentally, learned to exercise patience and learned to maintain my composure. Cross-country training taught me to be optimistic and search for ways to solve a problem, rather than remain pessimistic about the problem. Although I did not make it into the team, I decided upon continuing to work hard and try out for track and field up next. Altogether it was a good experience which taught me a lot. I learnt one of the biggest lessons of my life from this experience. It is not only winning after working hard that has good lessons to teach, for some lessons cannot be learnt without losing.
Can someone please check this common app essay for me? Its about my significant experience. I know your first reaction will not be a positive one, as this is a very long common app essay. But that's exactly what I am posting it here for. I need to shorten it a lot, but I do not know how. I have tried to show 6 months in this. Please help me. I aim to apply for unis like UPenn.
Please help me out.
I guess it should fall in the significant experience topic.
It all began during the track and field IASAS event held at my school. 8 athletes were already positioned at the starting line for the 200 meter sprint. As soon as the gun was fired, they began their journey cutting through the air, taking big steps and making their way to the finish line. I heard the crowd roar for their favorite. Those 22 seconds of the race struck me with amazement and ebullience. I had never seen such a mesmerizing crowd for a 200 meter event, in which one merely had to run as fast as possible. Staring at the athletes, waving to their supporters, I decided that I want to be one of them on the tracks, racing his way to the finish line, encouraged by the incessant roars of his fellow mates. But the next track and field tryouts were a long later. I rather decided to train for the upcoming cross-country tryouts 6 months later. This was all how I began training myself aiming to complete a 5 kilometer distance in no more than 22 minutes.
On my first visit to the gym, I calculated that I would require a constant speed of about 14 kmph to complete 5 km in the required time. I straightaway began running on the treadmill at the speed of 14. After running 1 min and 30 sec, I was already on the verge of falling off the treadmill. Fortunately I pulled the emergency stop and got off the machine. That night my legs ached as they had never before. For the next two days I was unable to stand on my feet. I then understood that this journey will not be an easy one. Everything will have to be subdued systematically. I then began the next session with a steady speed of 10 kmph and was delighted to have survived 10 minutes on the treadmill. I was also bewildered to notice that the absurd ache in my leg had dissolved. I continued my way for the next one month, running 10 minutes every day. It was then that I first noticed my leg muscles taking shape and extrapolated that if I wish to run more, I will have to work on them simultaneously. I began cycling after running to strengthen my legs so that they do not hamper me from running long. I even began spending time climbing floors instead of using the elevator. Days passed, and I kept advancing. After 2 months I could run 15 minutes at 10 kmph in a stretch and cycle 10 minutes at about 110 rpm (rotations per minute).
However, the third month was a big obstruction. I needed time to train myself and study for exams. Dividing time appropriately between the two tasks had become an important issue. It could have been very easy for me to go off track my dream and give up on training, but seeing my classmates talking about athletics kept my spirits high enough to have patience and run even thrice a week if not five times. I turned serious about both the tasks. I wanted to run every day, just as much as I wanted good grades. I believe it was this tenacious desire that provided me the strength to keep training hard even after missing 2 weeks of workout. It was also along the exams week that I realized the importance of a healthy diet to an athlete. I began consuming more of high carbohydrate foods and stuck to the motto of abstinence from any food or activity that would work against my aim. After the exams, I felt just like I was starting this course afresh. While running I was daunted by thoughts such as 'I have gone off track and returning now would be totally impossible' and 'my mechanism has not been designed to endure this pressure', but just then I would envision myself finishing the line first, and question myself that if they can, then even I can. I persisted my training and within the next 20 days I was back on track, running 25 minutes in a stretch and cycling 20 minutes. My confidence level had reached its pinnacle when I was able to complete 5 kilometers in 30 minutes in a few days. Then, the day of tryouts arrived.
I was able to complete the distance on the track as well with my competitors giving their best. First 10 names had already been announced, and it was time for the last name. "And the name of the final candidate making this year's cross-county varsity team is *another person's name*". An uncontrollable shock struck me right through the face. I could not believe myself when I was not selected in the team. 6 months of tenacious and persevering effort was rewarded with failure. I could not stop tears from flowing out of my eyes, dripping from my perspiring face. I repudiated all those sayings of 'hard work pays off' and such. This is what hard work rewarded me. I had lost all my motivation to look forward to work hard for anything at all. Nothing could be crueler than this.
A few days later, a friend of mine challenged me for a short race. I had never beaten him. However, that evening, I was surprised to find that I defeated him by a satisfactory margin. This experience instigated me to squint a bit and consider what my cross-country training had offered me rather than what it did not. I then had a clear view of everything I had gained and I was blithe again. I had learned how to manage my time effectively, an area I had always been weak in, when I looked up my exam result again with all A's. My diet was full of healthy foods and I had lost my penchant for any unhealthy activity, including eating chocolates. I had lost 4 kg and had turned fit. I was able to play any sport, including squash, my favorite sport, for a much longer time without running out of stamina. I had learned to overcome obstacles with a systematic approach and had learned not to give up even when there may seem no way out. It is a sport of mental strength and endurance which I had grasped firmly by the time of tryouts. I had grown strong mentally, learned to exercise patience and learned to maintain my composure. Cross-country training taught me to be optimistic and search for ways to solve a problem, rather than remain pessimistic about the problem. Although I did not make it into the team, I decided upon continuing to work hard and try out for track and field up next. Altogether it was a good experience which taught me a lot. I learnt one of the biggest lessons of my life from this experience. It is not only winning after working hard that has good lessons to teach, for some lessons cannot be learnt without losing.
