Hi,
Can someone please check this common app essay for me? Its about my significant experience. I know your first reaction will not be a positive one, as this is a very long common app essay. But that's exactly what I am posting it here for. I need to shorten it a lot, but I do not know how. I have tried to show 6 months in this. Please help me. I aim to apply for unis like UPenn.
Please help me out.
I guess it should fall in the significant experience topic.
It all began during the track and field IASAS event held at my school. 8 athletes were already positioned at the starting line for the 200 meter sprint. As soon as the gun was fired, they began their journey cutting through the air, taking big steps and making their way to the finish line. I heard the crowd roar for their favorite. Those 22 seconds of the race struck me with amazement and ebullience. I had never seen such a mesmerizing crowd for a 200 meter event, in which one merely had to run as fast as possible. Staring at the athletes, waving to their supporters, I decided that I want to be one of them on the tracks, racing his way to the finish line, encouraged by the incessant roars of his fellow mates. But the next track and field tryouts were a long later. I rather decided to train for the upcoming cross-country tryouts 6 months later. This was all how I began training myself aiming to complete a 5 kilometer distance in no more than 22 minutes.
On my first visit to the gym, I calculated that I would require a constant speed of about 14 kmph to complete 5 km in the required time. I straightaway began running on the treadmill at the speed of 14. After running 1 min and 30 sec, I was already on the verge of falling off the treadmill. Fortunately I pulled the emergency stop and got off the machine. That night my legs ached as they had never before. For the next two days I was unable to stand on my feet. I then understood that this journey will not be an easy one. Everything will have to be subdued systematically. I then began the next session with a steady speed of 10 kmph and was delighted to have survived 10 minutes on the treadmill. I was also bewildered to notice that the absurd ache in my leg had dissolved. I continued my way for the next one month, running 10 minutes every day. It was then that I first noticed my leg muscles taking shape and extrapolated that if I wish to run more, I will have to work on them simultaneously. I began cycling after running to strengthen my legs so that they do not hamper me from running long. I even began spending time climbing floors instead of using the elevator. Days passed, and I kept advancing. After 2 months I could run 15 minutes at 10 kmph in a stretch and cycle 10 minutes at about 110 rpm (rotations per minute).
However, the third month was a big obstruction. I needed time to train myself and study for exams. Dividing time appropriately between the two tasks had become an important issue. It could have been very easy for me to go off track my dream and give up on training, but seeing my classmates talking about athletics kept my spirits high enough to have patience and run even thrice a week if not five times. I turned serious about both the tasks. I wanted to run every day, just as much as I wanted good grades. I believe it was this tenacious desire that provided me the strength to keep training hard even after missing 2 weeks of workout. It was also along the exams week that I realized the importance of a healthy diet to an athlete. I began consuming more of high carbohydrate foods and stuck to the motto of abstinence from any food or activity that would work against my aim. After the exams, I felt just like I was starting this course afresh. While running I was daunted by thoughts such as 'I have gone off track and returning now would be totally impossible' and 'my mechanism has not been designed to endure this pressure', but just then I would envision myself finishing the line first, and question myself that if they can, then even I can. I persisted my training and within the next 20 days I was back on track, running 25 minutes in a stretch and cycling 20 minutes. My confidence level had reached its pinnacle when I was able to complete 5 kilometers in 30 minutes in a few days. Then, the day of tryouts arrived.
I was able to complete the distance on the track as well with my competitors giving their best. First 10 names had already been announced, and it was time for the last name. "And the name of the final candidate making this year's cross-county varsity team is *another person's name*". An uncontrollable shock struck me right through the face. I could not believe myself when I was not selected in the team. 6 months of tenacious and persevering effort was rewarded with failure. I could not stop tears from flowing out of my eyes, dripping from my perspiring face. I repudiated all those sayings of 'hard work pays off' and such. This is what hard work rewarded me. I had lost all my motivation to look forward to work hard for anything at all. Nothing could be crueler than this.
A few days later, a friend of mine challenged me for a short race. I had never beaten him. However, that evening, I was surprised to find that I defeated him by a satisfactory margin. This experience instigated me to squint a bit and consider what my cross-country training had offered me rather than what it did not. I then had a clear view of everything I had gained and I was blithe again. I had learned how to manage my time effectively, an area I had always been weak in, when I looked up my exam result again with all A's. My diet was full of healthy foods and I had lost my penchant for any unhealthy activity, including eating chocolates. I had lost 4 kg and had turned fit. I was able to play any sport, including squash, my favorite sport, for a much longer time without running out of stamina. I had learned to overcome obstacles with a systematic approach and had learned not to give up even when there may seem no way out. It is a sport of mental strength and endurance which I had grasped firmly by the time of tryouts. I had grown strong mentally, learned to exercise patience and learned to maintain my composure. Cross-country training taught me to be optimistic and search for ways to solve a problem, rather than remain pessimistic about the problem. Although I did not make it into the team, I decided upon continuing to work hard and try out for track and field up next. Altogether it was a good experience which taught me a lot. I learnt one of the biggest lessons of my life from this experience. It is not only winning after working hard that has good lessons to teach, for some lessons cannot be learnt without losing.
Well, here are a few ways you could shorten your essay:
""And the name of the final candidate making this year's cross-county varsity team is ...". Before I disclose the name, let me go ahead and describe to you my scintillating experience of training myself for cross-country varsity until this point where I stood shivering together with the other competitors, hoping that the last name be mine. "
"Unlike my other poorly resolute decisions to be a table tennis star when I saw the Chinese rallying on the ping pong tables or to be a kung fu black belt holder when I saw the Koreans fight, this one of becoming an athlete was an inelastic one. But the next track and field tryouts were a long later. I rather decided to train for the upcoming cross-country tryouts 6 months later. This was all how I began training myself with theby aiming to complete a 5 kilometer distance in no more than 22 minutes."
You can cut your fourth and fifth paragraphs completely without really losing anything important as far as the main point of your essay goes, too.
but doesn't fourth paragraph work to show my perseverance and how I managed my time despite exams? isnt that important? Yes, i think i can cut the 5th paragraph completely. thanks a lot. But still need more editing. By the way, how is the essay? is it gripping and interesting?
It's actually quite good. I rarely see essays that have too much detail in them -- the problem is normally the opposite. I understand why you included the other paragraphs, but they just aren't necessary. We get it. You trained hard and succeeded at a difficult task. That's the point you want to make. The essay drags on because, once you have made you case, you keep on making it. If you were writing something meant to be longer, the extra detail might be warranted, but as you realized, this sort of essay should be much shorter than it currently is. Cut it down to size and then repost. I am reluctant to edit for grammar or content if the changes I make may be to material that gets cut.
Thanks a lot for the feedback Sean. I will work on making it more concise and will shorten it. I will post the revised one soon.
I think this is all I could reduce to. Please help me with editing it further. My writing is sort of redundant. I did find many phrases which can be replaced by shorter ones without changing the point, but I couldn't get through them. Can someone please provide some help with this? I also need assistance in improving the language used in this. The language, I feel, can be much better.
Can someone please help me with this?
It isn't that difficult. Combine sentences. Cut down on phrases that don't really say anything. So, for instance
"I had never beaten him. However, that evening, I was surprised to find that I defeated him by a satisfactory margin."
can be rewritten as
"That evening, I beat him for the first time."
Likewise
"This experience instigated me to squint a bit and consider what my cross-country training had offered me rather than what it did not. I then had a clear view of everything I had gained and I was blithe again. I had learned how to manage my time effectively, an area I had always been weak in, when I looked up my exam result again with all A's."
can be rewritten as
"This experience built my confidence and inspired me to improve my time management skills more generally. As a result, my academic work also improved."
And so on.
It was then that I first noticed my leg muscles taking shape and extrapolated that if I wished to run more, I would have to work on them simultaneously. I began cycling after running to strengthen my legs so that they do not hamper me from running long .
Go through your essay carefully, looking for such phrases that can be easily cut without sacrificing content. At the same time, keep a sharp eye out for your verb tenses. You sometimes slip out of past tense when writing of the past.
Thanks Simone. Any more advices on improving this essay?
You posted your reply as I was revising my suggestion. Look at my amended suggestion.
That's exactly what I have been trying to look for. I did find some and made the necessary changes. Thanks a lot for this one too. Btw, how do you find the essay? Is it gripping and worth the common app main essay? Do you think the topic suits for universities like UPenn?
Yes, the topic is good and your writing is vivid.
The essay was always well-written, with plenty of specific details. You just needed to cut it down to the right length.
