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"young teenagers" - UC prompt 1- does this work?



mathfun1227 2 / 1  
Nov 24, 2008   #1
Most young teenagers are perfect they never make mistakes. We never come home late, eat junk food, stay out all-night and party, drink till we are drunk, disrespect authority, drive above the speed limit and lie to our parents. We never drive adults crazy and scare the elderly off the streets. However, I am different from all the other teenagers; I have made countless mistakes. From forgetting to turn off the lights to putting a metal pot into the microwave, my mistakes defines who I am. I look at my mistakes not as flaws of myself but as devices for me to improve myself.

I am prone to mistakes; I am not perfect or a genius. Mistakes are unpredictable, it comes when I least expect it and at the worst times, but when it does occur I am always prepared to take it on. No matter how small and insignificant or large and annoying the mistake, I will always persevere. Like a really long physics equation, one mistake can ruin the whole problem. I would not be franticly erasing my work that was so meticulously scribbled down but would be calmly assessing the damage done to my paper. Even though it was already midnight, I would try diligently to find my errors. Even if it takes forever to figure out the problem I always attempt to come up with a solution to my mistakes. The mistakes that are made by me can come at the worst times, but when it does happen I am always prepared for the long fight.

The mistakes that I make does affect the people around me. Whether it is at band or at home what I do does have a positive or negative consequence. When I played my trombone past a designated measure, even though the director told us to cut off at a specific measure, the band would get punished for my mistake. I would be called out by Mr. Bowden and everyone would do some grueling push ups. Even at home, when I forget to do the laundry, my parents would collectively punish my siblings, and me even though it was my own fault. But what I learned was that everyone is connected, even though I was the one who made the mistake, that by punishing everyone I would not make the mistake twice so that others would not have to suffer to my follies.

There were times when I brought about my own mistakes. I could have prevented it but due to my teenage attitude I allowed it to happen. When I was asked by my mother to cook rice, I would hastily get the rice pot, scoop rice into it, strain the rice in water until clean, measure how much water to put into the rice pot and place it inside the rice cooker. I had no care in the world for what was to become of the rice. At dinner I opened the rice cooker and saw soggy rice. The rice was edible but the experience of swallowing wet rice was not pleasant. Neither my family or I enjoyed the meal but because the rice was still edible we still consumed it. Though I cooked the rice poorly, I learned that I hated soggy rice and that if I had taken the time to do the task at hand I would not have to pay for it in the end.

My mistakes allow me to improve myself as a person. It defines my world and my character. It allows me to better my personality, my work ethics, and my life. Without a world of mistakes I would be lost in a puddle of my own self-arrogance. As I say good-bye to my world, I enter the real world full of adventure and more mistakes ahead for me to better myself.

EF_Team5 - / 1583  
Nov 24, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

I have edited one section of your piece and then given some general comments as well:

"I am prone to mistakes; I am not perfect or a genius. Mistakes are unpredictable, theyBecause "mistakes" is plural.come when I least expect them and at the worst times, but when they do occur I am always prepared to take themHow can you be prepared for the unpredictable? Please explain further. on. No matter how small and insignificant or large and annoying the mistake, I will always persevere. Like a really long physics equation, one mistake can ruin the whole problem. I would not be franticlySpelling erasing my work that was so meticulously scribbled down but would be calmly assessing the damage done to my paper. I'm not sure what your tense is for this piece; please make sure you are sticking to only one throughout.Even though it was already midnight, I would try diligently to find my errors. Even if it takes forever to figure out the problem I always attempt to come up with a solution to my mistakes.Tense?The mistakes that are made by me can come at the worst times, but when it does happen I am always prepared for the long fight.This is repetitive; either rewrite or remove. "

In regards to content, I'm not really sure what the focus of your essay is because it is very long-winded and meandering. Also, you didn't include the prompt, sp I am not sure whether or not your essay answers it.

Regards, Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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