Hello! So, I've been staring at this for about a week and fixing any little thing I see wrong with it. Can someone review it for me, please? And is the content appropriate in the sense that it relates to the topic?
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
""Okay guys! Get out and unpack your stuff. We'll settle down for lunch in about 30 minutes," my youth pastor, Edwin, bellowed through the double doors of the white church van. Groggily, I stretched out my arms after a four hour drive into the middle of nowhere called Lithia, Florida. I stumbled out of the van, stepping into a wooded area where a small property was shrouded by vast, outreaching trees and shrubbery. "...What did I just get myself into?" broke into my thoughts after analyzing the overwhelmingly green, green, and green surroundings of Cedarkirk Presbyterian Camp. This smorgasbord of chartreuse was horribly different from the simulated woods I came from called Country Walk, my neighborhood back in Miami. I was stuck here for three days. Three days. No cell phone signal. No internet.
Lunch was not SO bad. Actually, it was kind of good. Yes, we had to lamely say grace to the tune of the Addam's Family theme, but it was tolerable. Afterwards, we hung out in our ice-box-cold rooms where the boredom was lulling us to sleep until Edwin's loud voice echoed through the halls telling us that bible study would start shortly. Anxiously, I raced over to the main room, bible in hand. I expected Edwin's sermon to be extremely captivating and motivational. He definitely did not let me down with what was his best message, yet. He informed us to love, to love unconditionally, and to love forever, just as God does. We broke the book of Genesis apart: Despite Adam and Eve eating the forbidden fruit, God gave gifts of skins to cover up with upon their banishment. His loving gesture to those that upset him astonished me. It was obvious that God truly loved them. All of us absorbed the sermon and quietly set off for bed. Without the hum of electricity to wash out the lesson, it stuck with me that night and throughout the remainder of the trip.
As I began appreciating all that I had, the next days flew by. I enjoyed gaining nice battle scars from a seemingly harmless canoe trip and participating in the "High Ropes" obstacle course, twenty-four feet in the air. Each bible study after the first only got better, bringing me closer to God and my friends. By the end of the trip, saying grace to the Batman theme tune was surprisingly fun. My experience at Cedarkirk taught me to lighten up and love more, and to take advantage of life's offers. These lessons encouraged me to profit from the education I have been offered, ultimately allowing myself to further develop my love and persistence for knowledge. This enablement will certainly add to my experience at University of Florida, making my education more valuable and worthwhile. Whether enrolled at University of Florida or somewhere else, I intend on loving every moment while making the most of the resources available to me. I expect to let my perseverance influence others to live the same way."
All the parts in bold have been rewritten. I'm still having a little trouble with that "You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility..." part because of the word limit. Is there any extraneous I could do without? I've been trying to take out sentences, but they all contribute to the anecdote. Gah, this is so hard, haha.
Your essay is decently written and on-topic. It focuses on a specific event that clearly did mean something to you.
That said, you should be aware that focusing on an event of a religious nature may not endear you to admissions officers at a secular university (obviously not a problem if you are applying to a religious university). Also, whether you stick with this topic or not, you will need to add more to cover the second part of the prompt:
how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
You don't say much about this at the moment, and what you do say is pretty weak.
Thanks SO MUCH for the input! :)
Would it be a problem at all to stick to this religious event? My religious beliefs do truly define a lot of my character, so I'm not trying to suck up to them or anything. Lol.
I actually thought I didn't touch on that "contribution to the UF campus community" part enough. Actually, I was reading through other applicants' essays on the same topic and I noticed they touched on it even lighter than I did, so I was a little skeptical of going too far in.
