Youth2Youth organization. Short Extracurricular activities essay - for you critique!

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Response: Youth2Youth is an organization in which high-school age youth encourages middle-school age youth to live a lifestyle free of drugs, alcohol, or other substances. Annually there is a local large conference that I attended in eighth grade and now staff. At this conference I assume the role of a "Family Group Leader" and, with a co-facilitator, lead my "Family Group" of about 10 middle-schoolers through the day. We convene at least four times to have honest, open, and profound discussions while bonding with one another. Youth2Youth continues on after the conference with a Community Advisory Board that is active in the community against drug, alcohol, and substance abuse. This organization showed me the impact that I can have on the lives of others, and assisted me in maturing into my position as a role model, which in turn improved every aspect of my life. I take my role in the younger youth's lives very seriously and am affected by them in a positive manner just as I try to affect them.

just some quick critiquing please :)

I like the intention of your essay to show that you have an impact, but one thing that I would do is cut on the detail of the activity such as


and focus more on how you impacted the lives of the children and how this appeals to you. That will make your essay more strong and meaningful.

I hope this advice helps. Good luck with it.

Could you return the favor by giving my Yale Supplement Essay a read?