Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
To be successful member of citizen is the responsibility for children to have. For this, some people believe that parents should teach them. On the other hand, others think that school is the place to learn this. Personally, I believe that parents should have the responsibility to encourage their children.
School is a place where students study apart from home. There are several subjects that should be taught to pupils in the school both of academic and non-academic subjects. One of them is to teach about having morally right behaviour. For example, teachers are as the second parents in school educate children by providing information about methods and steps that can be taken by them to contribute to their environment from a little action like throwing the rubbish in its place. As a result, school is the best position to make children to be society who has positive actions.
Notwithstanding, children spend almost their time in their own house. From this, parents need to take a responsibility to educate children since they live under the same roof. They should instruct not only how to be remarkable children but also how to be a suitable citizen. For instance, in each time children are in home, parents could share, educate and also give understanding to children about what they should do for the others and their country. Furthermore, parents could show example for children how to act and useful to their environment and automatically children would imitate parent's action. Hence, parents have a big influence to teach children.
For those reason mentioned above, I fully endorse that parents are the people that should take the responsibility to encourage and teach their children. It is in order to have right attitudes particularly for their own country satisfied.
Your Academic Writing topic is interesting. You just have some grammar errors, and you use repetitive words. Review and take out unnecessary words that are being repeated or use a synonym
To be a successful member of the citizen is the responsibility for children to have.
Several subjects should be taught to pupils in the school both ...
Parents need to take (don't use a ) responsibility to educate children since ...
In my view, your essay is quite good. However, i suppose that there are still some repeated words needing to be replaced.
For example: in your introduction: responsibility can be replaced with obligation
i think that place should be replaced with another corresponding word
children is repeated too much, you can remedy it as pupils or students
You should try to avoid using too much the wordbe , are ............. to be if it is not considered to be the passive tense or good idiom (remember it has to be formal or academic). You can improve this by using synonims or express it into corresponding sentence with similar meaning.
some grammar errors are:
1.For example, teachers
are, as the second parents in school , educate children by providing information ...
2.Furthermore, parents could show example for children how to act and be useful to their environment
3. For those reasons . You need to be aware that those + N(plural)
above are just my suggestions :3
I think you should learn more on paraphrasing, so that you can avoid using the same words for several times.
Try to simplify your long sentences so that it will be more convenient for examiners to read.
You should also improve your grammar.
I hope my comments could help you to improve your essay.
Fahra, welcome to EssayForum :) I am glad to see there are many new members in this forum recently. However, you need to know that in this forum, members are suggested to deliver a meaningful feedback towards other members. It is unfortunate that some of them were suspended due to meaningless feedback that they sent. Therefore, my suggestion to anyone who read this post, not only you, especially new members. You need to give at least more than just 1 or 2 sentences feedback. "The more the better". Making only 1 or 2 sentences feedback will lead to suspension (it can be temporary or permanent, depends on the mistakes).
Furthermore, I think that I just go directly in delivering my feedback related to your introduction and conclusion paragraphs.
1st paragraph (introduction):
- Aside from paraphrasing the question and create a thesis statement. If you want to reach band 6 or above, you need to mention brief descriptions of your ideas. It is really unfortunate that you only stop by only mentioning your thesis statement, not the outline of it. So, I suggest you to make an outline of your thesis statement to reach a higher band score than this one.
4th paragraph (conclusion):
- Talking about conclusion, besides delivering the summary of your ideas or paraphrase your thesis statement. You need to give a recommendation/fear/hope for the future. This means that you have broaden knowledge about the topic that you are able to discuss it further. In addition, I think you can use some common cohesive devices to avoid inaccuracies. "For those reason mentioned above" is quite unfamiliar and less formal. You need to know that in academic essay/writing, FANBOYS usage in the beginning of the sentence should be avoided. If you have no idea what is FANBOYS, I assume that FANBOYS are For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. All these seven words are considered as coordinating conjunction, not a cohesive devices. Thus, be careful next time and good luck :)
Your overall essay is good, just avoid using repeating words as I mentioned before.