Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

IELTS writing task 1: Accommodations for holidaymakers

sarahna 4 / 10 2  
Oct 3, 2017   #1
Hi all,

Please feel free to comment my writing for this prompt: The charts show the proportion of holidaymakers of one region staying in different types of accommodation in three different years. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

proportion of different accommodations types

The pie charts compare four different places of accomodation where travelers from one area stayed in the years 1965, 1985 and 2005. Overall, the majority of holidaymakers preferred staying with friends or relatives or living in hotels to spending night time in camps or caravans. It is also noticeable that every option out of four had a specific trend over the period shown.

In 1965, staying with friends or relatives accounted for the highest proportion and 55% of all travelers chose this option but the percentage fell to 35% and 30% in 1985 and 2005, respectively. By contrast, only 16% of holidaymakers preferred living in hotels to other choices in 1965 and the figure for this group increased to 37% and reached a peak of 38% to become the most popular choice in the next four decades mentioned.

Unlike the above two options, the figure for camping and caravans changed inversely during the 40-year period. The figure for camping grew by 3% in the first twenty years but declined twofold in the final period while the figure for caravan parks dropped by 4% and then doubled in 2005.

Thank you in advance.

ztzhan - / 1  
Oct 3, 2017   #2
Hi, I think there's run-on sentence in your second paragraph. You need to notice that a sentence shouldn't has more than one verb.

words like but or and can not only act as a conj. but also as a adv. I think the following sentences may be better.

... the highest proportion, and 55% of all travelers chose this option. But, the percentage fell ...
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,856 4178  
Oct 3, 2017   #3
Sarah, you did not include a proper summary overview in your essay. While it can be placed anywhere within the essay, which is why I read the whole essay before commenting on the lack of it, it is always best to place that summary at the start or opening paragraph because that is where it can gain you the highest possible TA score. If I were to write the opening statement for this essay it would have been presented as:

3 pie charts are provided covering the years 1965, 19885, and 2005 respectively. The percentages presented identify the types of accommodations for holiday tourists in one area for those specific years. The types of accommodations analyzed are staying with friends/relatives, hotel, camping, and caravans. this essay will present the main points of the chart and offer comparisons of similar information when required. Overall, the trend of the pie charts indicate that staying with friends/relatives was the most popular settlement for guests during holidays.

Aside from your first paragraph, all your other paragraphs are composed of run-on sentences. You need to learn to separate your topic presentations into topic sentences rather than connected sentence idea presentations. When you do that, your paragraph runs short of the minimum 3 sentence requirement. When that happens, you lower your C&C and GRA scores due to non paragraph compliant presentations. Also, you tend to get a better score if you present at least 4 paragraphs in the Task 1 essay.
monopolymi 4 / 8  
Oct 3, 2017   #4
Hi, I think you can describe more details about the trend and point out the most popular one.

For example,

It is clear that the majority of tourists preferred to stay with friends and relatives in the first year. However, the number for hotel experienced a gradual increase and became the most popular choice among the four accommodations.
LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Oct 5, 2017   #5
Hi, I'd like to rewrite a sentence for you.

In 1965, staying with friends ... =>
While 55% of travelers stayed with friends or relatives in 1965, the figure fell to 35% in 1985 and ended up even lower, at 30% in 2005
OP sarahna 4 / 10 2  
Oct 18, 2017   #6
Thank you all for your comments

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: Accommodations for holidaymakers