Adult education - bar chart and pie chart for ielts writing

Hi
This is my first time in this forum, I hope to find some help. So, I will take the ielts test and here is my attempt for task 1. Thank you in advance.

why adults decide to study and education costs

The charts illustrate the results of a survey concerning adult education in the form of a bar chart and a pie chart. The first chart provides information about the reasons that lead adults to study, while the pie chart presents the perception of people about the costs of education and their sharing.

Overall, the bar chart accounted for seven reasons why adults decide to study. The greatest reason concerns the interest in subjects. Concerning the pie chart is composed of three components of cost sharing.

The professional reason interests a considerable percentage of adults to study. 22% find that it is helpful for their current job and 20% choose to study to improve prospects of promotion while 12% are interested in education to be able to change jobs. However 40% of adults decide to study because of their interest in subjects and 20% because they enjoy learning. To gain qualifications was the reason of 38% of surveyed, but only 9% choose adult education to meet people.

The costs of adults education are made up of three slices. The main part concerns the individual with 40% and 38% for employers and the quarter of the cost is for taxpayer.

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Unfortunately, you did not paraphrase enough information from the original presentation. There are still too many cut and paste phrases in your overall presentation that will indicate that you cannot write a report beyond memorized phrases and presentations. As such, this essay is not in the running for a passing score. Even though you wrote 198 words, which is well over the minimum word requirement, if there is no clear analysis of the given data, proper reporting of the facts indicated, and an original presentation of information based on your understanding of the given data, then the essay will not score well based on the overall rubic. You need to learn to discuss and expand upon the given information. Don't just repeat the information, show that you understand the information. Be imaginative in the presentation, without exaggerating the facts.

I suggest you should use some words like: mention, quote or cite for better expression. For example, instead of saying "only 9% of adults choose education ..." 9% of respondents cited/ mentioned/ gave meeting people as their studying motivation" or "Interaction with people is quoted as a factor which motivated them to sudy by 9% of the people polled"