pursuing tertiary education - is it still worthy?
(Please help me with my ielts writing essay below. Thank you ! )
In recent days, pursuing tertiary education is one of the ideal ways to succeed. In other words, the certifications gained from university can be a passport to apply for any job placements easier. However, I suppose that this trend could have both positive and negative consequences for our society.
It can be seen that nowadays, going to the colleges or universities will be a strength to seek for jobs easier, especially for fresh graduate students because almost employers from small companies to international incorporations always feel more favorable with candidates who have an excellent educational background rather than people who do not. Besides, more and more people pursuing higher education can contribute positively to boost the economy of their nation. For instance, once people got a graduate degree from university or college, they can open the door to better employment prospects and can earn lucrative money to improve their quality of life. In this way, the state budget to pay for the cost of living of impoverished families could be reduced and the money will be used for other purposes such as improving infrastructure and constructing public amenities.
Nevertheless, pursuing tertiary education is likely to have some certain drawbacks that affect directly to our society. One of the main problems is the lack of workforce in manual works. In the UK, for example, people nowadays are interested in office work or noble careers such as doctors, teachers, and professors that lead to a shortage of numbers of manual workers like plumbers. As a result, the services are therefore had to be paid with the exorbitant price. The second issue is that people pursuing higher education nowadays are tend to focus only on academic knowledge but forgot to gain hand-on experiences, which is probably as important as specialized knowledge to apply for better jobs in the future.
In conclusion, while going to university is the ideal way that leads people to success, I think that this option also has drawbacks in some circumstances.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15393 Are you sure you have the right prompt for this essay? It seems to me that you just made up the prompt for the topic because the A/D essay never asks you to offer a personal opinion as part of the discussion. I wish you had posted the original prompt along with your essay so that I could have a better idea of how the format of your response was really supposed to go. Like I said, there is some confusion as to the discussion format for your essay at this point. Without the original prompt I cannot precisely review your paraphrase, response, and discussion paragraphs. Anyway, I will leave those sections alone and just review your essay for grammar requirements instead. You should remember to post the complete prompt into the text box next time, before you post your essay.
Based on the 40 minutes allotted for this task, I do not feel comfortable seeing you write more than 290 words for this essay. That tells me that you focused more on length than the quality of the writing. As I reviewed your essay, I saw that I was right. You were focused more on increasing your LR score more than anything else. Let me tell you now, an unusual focus on your LR presentation, along with the word count, will never assure you of a high scoring essay. Your sentence formations are problematic and the word choices, in certain instances, do not feel natural. It seems forcibly used in the discussion half the time.
You have a tendency to use memorized phrases such as "over and over". Such is an overused phrase that does not truly reflect your language abilities nor your writing capabilities. You should look into using more natural sounding words that are not part of the memorized or over used phrases list for the test.
Both the prompt paraphrase (first paragraph) and the concluding paraphrase (last paragraph) should contain at least 3 sentences covering a summary of the information from the original prompt (first paragraph), while the last paragraph should show your discussion and concluding summary (reasoning paragraph topics and restatement of your opinion). This will allow you to show your ability to restate information in 2 different, but still relevant ways, to your reader.
I'll give you a more focused review with your next practice test. Just remember to post the original discussion topic / prompt so I can do that. Thanks.
@Holt
Thank you so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it!
I'll use it for future improvement.