The advent of technological items have negative impact on interaction among people in modern society

IELTS Writing task 2 : Technology

Some people argue that technological inventions, such as mobile phones, are making people socially less interactive. Do you agree or disagree?
A school of thought holds that the advent of technological items, like smartphones, has a hugely negative impact on interaction among people in modern society. While I concur with this view, there are some advantages which need considering.

On the one hand, technological developments greatly undermine the face to face interaction in the actual world. With the spread of technology, there are various convenient devices, such as smartphones, laptops, which have a multitude of interesting games appealing to both adults and children, which leads them to be glued to the screen all the time. Besides, phone users have a strong tendency to spend a large amount of time being immersed in the virtual life involving browsing social platforms and chatting, without paying much of their heed to people around. Undoubtedly, repercussions that technological intervention may have for people are reflected in the circumstance that verbal interaction among people will be greatly circumscribed, thus causing emotional contact to be attenuated.

On the other hand, the advancements of technology give citizens more chances to cement mutual connections. Given the convenience of web-based platforms, such as messenger and zalo, everyone thereby could expand their social circle of friends all over the world without meeting each other directly. Another quintessential example associated with support of technology is that, in the covid-19 period, office workers, for instance, who are encouraged to work from home to limit widespread transmission of viruses, may hold the formal meetings and have a reciprocal arrangement in terms of task assignment via a myriad of softwares, such as Zoom or Microsoft Team, which helps to provide virtual discussion analogous to brick-and-mortar operation. Employees, therefore, may boost teamwork efficiency without being disrupted by pandemic.

In conclusion, although technological availability may weaken the social interaction, people need to place strong emphasis on some positive aspects to some extent, especially the crucial role of technology in facilitating long-distance communication during the complicated outbreak of Covid-19.

Your discussion approach will result in the failure of this essay. You somehow managed to change the discussion requirement in your paraphrased presentation. To be clear:

Original Question: Do you agree or disagree?
Response: While I concur with this view, there are some advantages which need ...
Correct Response: I concur with this view based on a couple of reasons , The first reason is... and the second is...

There was no reference to an A/D discussion in the discussion instruction so that reference will be a prompt deviation that will deduct TA and word count percentage points. Overall, the comparison discussion will further reduce the TA score as this is not the correct discussion format for the prompt. It will be more than likely that you will recieve a failing score due to these presentation problems. The body of paragraphs should have used 2 reasons to support your opinion. That was the correct discussion development.

I am sorry for a serious mistake in this essay. Word " partly' should have been interpolated before ''concur" so that the essay could make sense !