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IELTS: THE ADVERSE OPINION OF SCHOOL LEAVERS



Anh Nguyen 265 4 / 10  
Jun 3, 2014   #1
Please give me a favor of checking my essay and giving your opinions of improving it. All comments are highly appreciated. Thank you in advance

Topic: Many young people who leave school hold a negative attitude towards learning. Why does this happen? What are the solutions?

It is undeniable that there is an increasing number of school leavers who censure the academic systems for their school curriculum. There are several causes for this adverse belief, but a range of measures available can be taken to alleviate the problem.

There are several potential factors can be named as the causes of this situation. Firstly, a majority of graduate students suppose that they have a deficiency of virtual practical knowledge in order to become valuable employees. For example, in Vietnam, many universities provide students with primarily theoretical courses, but not support sufficient vocational units or personal skills classes, they, as a consequence, may feel baffled as they enter the over-crowded job market. Secondly, a plenty of dropouts who are lured by the deep - rooted desire of earning a life at a very young age consider schooling as a waste of time. They hold an uphold that workplace is such an optimal environment for aspiring employees that they can acquire relevant competences matching with employers' needs.

However, the negative attitudes can be handled by adopting several solutions. One measure would be for universities to modify their learning curriculums by inserting up-to-date subjects and eliminating obsolete materials. As a result, students would be increasingly interested in their studies. Another remedy is that there should undoubtedly be student counseling departments, of which the functions are producing adequate pieces of advice and orientation for students' future career path. This will help students to fully perceive their prospect jobs.

In conclusion, various options can be taken into account that tackle the problem rising among young people leaving school.

fikri 5 / 310  
Jun 3, 2014   #2
in IELTS writing task, you must put space between paragraphs, as a result the readers will easier to catch your ideas,
also, it may increase your score
OP Anh Nguyen 265 4 / 10  
Jun 3, 2014   #3
Thank you pinkpoet for your correction

SecondlyIn addition,

I am using the format "Firstly, ... Secondly,..." so I think I should keep "secondly" instead
All other ideas are valuable for me to improve my essay.

To fikri: I have not participated in any official IELTS test yet, so I do not know if a blank line is acceptable in the writing.


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