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Toefl essay Advertising can tell you a lot about a country

Keng 39 / 134  
Jan 7, 2010   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am preparing for an exam, so help me

The question is that

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In my opinion, I agree that advertising can tell you a lot about a country. It promotes education, business and tourism to international communities. Using advertising can cause employment and income necessary for leading a normal and stable life.

To begin with, it can inform international students of appropriate places to study. In the globalization, many people who are rich tend to continue Bachelor or Master degree abroad. With concise advertising plans, foreign students begin to know your country and think about studying here. When admitted into your local university, a lot of money is circulating within a country and increases jobs of service apartments for such international students. People are likely to work as a receptionist or even security guards at an apartment and have money to supplement your family expenses

Furthermore, it can attract many investors to do business in your country. In general, many countries have their own potentials such as land and workforce to serve international companies. With good advertising scheme, foreigner companies get information to consider whether your countries are the best choice. If foreigner investors are interested to do business in your country, it may be a good chance to increase a job opportunity for local people to earn for a living.

More important, it can draw a lot of tourists to visit your country. Generally-speaking, many countries have many tourist attractions which are unique enough for foreign tourists to relax. With succinct advertising methods, foreigners know about your countries and make a final decision to stay overnight or more. When a number of tourists arrive at your country, a lot of service jobs such as receptionist, tour guide and tour operator act as a good source of money for local people. If they work for one of these jobs, they will have money to feed their family day by day.

In conclusion, advertising has many valuable advantages if it is effectively used. It creates more demand for more residents or apartments and people who working for service apartments, improves standard of living for local people who are employed in a foreign company, and make local people decide to take a course concerning tourism so that they will do these jobs to earn a money for their family.

yin 12 / 38  
Jan 7, 2010   #2
You have problems in using collocations. Maybe what you wrote isn't wrong, but it sounds very strange and unnatural.
As far as I know, Toefl writing concentrates on how you develop your essay, how you use grammar, structure, vocabularies, ...Therefore, I think you have no need to write very long essay, instead, try to write short but using concise words and grammar. My advice is to write well, try to read more.

Hope that it helps.
Cheers ^^
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Jan 7, 2010   #3
Thank you for your feedback. I know about how to use short english sentences with clear meanings, but i do have time to do that.

Anyways, what i will do to write an essay next time is using reduced adjective cause, reduced adverb cause and a lot of phrases such as infinitive, gerund, present participle, past participle, perfect participle and absolute phrase.

As i do not have enough time to read english newspaper, i try to shorten way of writing English so that it is not vague.

Your feedback help me improve my writing.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jan 15, 2010   #4
Usually, people say More importantly

More importantly, it can draw a lot of tourists to visit your country.

Generally-speaking, many countries have many tourist attractions which are unique enough to catch the interest of foreign tourists. to relax. (uniqueness does not help people relax.)


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