The advertising world has an immense effect on the society - IELTS task 2

Today the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Modern advertisement has influenced people preferences. The power of massive advertising encourages the sales of goods. Although people have their own consideration to choose, it is agreed that good advertising has immense effect to persuade people.

Many companies have been produce similar goods this day. They want to sell as much as products in order to achieve higher income. One of the ways is they persuade people to create good advertisement. However, people have their own judgment, no matter how good the advertising is preferences of it.

Apart from this, commercial message has succeeded attracting people to purchase their products. The recent study conducted by CNN in 2007 has revealed good advertising will increase their sales by 30%. Especially, if they use the popular people like a football player or an artist. Coca cola and Pepsi companies should be taken as an example. Coca cola produces better drinking product that Pepsi does. However, Pepsi wins the consumer choice and sells more products than their rivals. This is because Pepsi has an invasive advertisement on all types of media. As it can be seen, people will be affected from that commercial message.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that advertisement has a significant effect on consumer choice. Interestingly, the consumer ignores their basic need when choosing that popular products. Where possible, invest more on advertising for the company which want to sell a lot of goods.

Bayu, your opening paragraph is incomplete. You did not remember to present your agreement or disagreement with the prompt topic. Without that sentence in the introduction, your opening paragraph becomes incomplete. That is not to say that your opening statement is not good though. On the contrary, you did very well in restating the prompt and offering an opinion on the topic. If you had just structured those sentences to reflect your point of view, it would have been a complete opening paragraph :-)

When you discuss the invasive nature of advertising, try to explain the methods by which the companies do this. I do not believe that the Cola Wars is a good example of the power of advertising in terms if increasing the sales of popular consumer goods. The Cola battles do not represent the needs of society. I think a better example for this essay would be either the mobile phones competition or the battle for the next big gadget.

Your conclusion is not as strong as it should be. I feel as though it is because your voice in agreement with the response was not made clear in the essay so it affected the way the conclusion was presented. It is missing a more final concluding message.

Thank you Louisa for your valuable input :)

I am trying re-write my introduction follow below :

Media broadcasting tend to influence people preferences .Some people believe the massive advertising has encourage them to purchase unnecessary products. It is agreed that commercial message has been succeeded attracting more consumers. While educated customers have their own judgment, good advertising is the most effective way to increase the selling point.

Hello Bayu, let me try to give few suggestions on your passage.
In this passage, you wrote less 250 words, normally for passage 2 writing IELTS around 255 - 280 word but your passage until 233 words. I believe that you can explore your writing.

The recent study conducted by CNN in 2007 has revealed good advertising which will increase their sales by 30%.

The Coca cola and the Pepsi companies should be taken as an example.