ESSAY TOPICS: SOME SAY THAT BECAUSE MANY PEOPLE ARE LIVING MUCH LONGER, THE AGE AT WHICH PEOPLE RETIRE FROM WORK SHOULD BE RAISED CONSIDERABLY. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?
raising the retirement AGE?
It is often said that we should have a go up for the age of retirement because human life-span is becoming higher and higher. In my opinion, I totally disagree with this idea.
To begin with, there is a litmitaion in human working ability. People often work when they are about 25 years old. At that time, their health is vey wonderful, so they can dedicate their best for the companies. However, at the time they are at the age of 35, their health begin to go down. As a result, their working ability will be affected. As far as I know, nowadays, the age for someone to retire from work is 60. I don't think that 60-years-old guys who suffer from lots of health decreasing can devote for the companies as well as they did in the past.
Lastly, I suppose that the old deserve a non-working time with their family after a long-term dedication.They not only spent their time but also their mind to make great benifits for the business when they were young. As a consequence, they have to be rewarded a happy time with their descendences in the rest of their life. In addition, the old enjoy spending their time for their families instead of working. Therefore, giiving them a retirement is the most suitable option that the employers can do for their old-age employees.
In conclusion, I assume that rasing the age for retirement is not a good option. Instead, companies can hire the young and encourage the old to retire when they are 60. It's not only brings more valuable benefits for the businesses but also it's also the best reward for people whospent their youth to be devoted employees.
Your writing has many flaws, its not eye catching and there are grammatical mistakes as well. Moreover Your arguments are premature.
"there is a litmitaion in human working ability" try using passive sentence something like The human capability to work is limited.
"their health is vey wonderful" try saying they have are fit and healthy and they can work with full efficiency
"the time they are at the age of 35" say "At 35 their health starts declining"
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Danka, excellent work. You stayed on track from beginning to end with the strongest justifications for your point of view. That is exactly what this kind of essay requires you to portray in your presentation. It is only at the end, in the concluding paragraph when you dropped the ball a bit by continuing to discuss reasons, without proper development when what you should have been doing is closing the discussion by presenting a wrap up of the reasons you presented. What you accidentally created was an open ended essay since you did not really close the discussion properly.
Another point for improvement on your part has to do with your vocabulary usage. Consequence means something bad resulted from a previous action. In this case, retiring at the age of 60 is a reward. A reward is a prize for doing something well. Retiring at the age of 60 is a reward for the hard work the worker did during his professional life.
Now, your sentence development is imperfect but allows the reader to still understand what you are trying to say. Therefore, you are still effective when it comes to your sentence presentation. However, that does not mean that you should not work at improving your grammar and sentence structure. The more fluent your English written language is and the smoother and more appropriate your sentence presentations, the higher your LR and GRA scores will be.