higher longevity among people
Recent decades have witnessed the increasing numbers of the elderly population. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons of the trend and its solutions.
In term of the causes of the proliferation of retired residents, this situation can bring numerous disadvantages. One of the discernible problems is putting a heavy strain on medical services in public sector. No doubt, when employees devote the whole of their working years in the companies, they can be highly suffered from several aging health conditions while there are minimize number of individuals who involved in health insurance. Therefore, this will lead to the government have to invest extensive money in order to serve these people. Another problem is preventing their children from earning money. Indeed, in some developing countries, the private care for aged population have certain limitation and offer an extensive price. Consequently, the retired population's children have to look after parents by themselves.
Regarding to tacking the problems of this trend, I believe that the government should encourage individuals to involve in health insurance when they enter the workforce. From this approach, the government can collect minimize money from their monthly salaries, which can be saved and spent if they need to receive health service in the later life. Consequently, the local authorities can invest those money on other priority areas, such as: education or technology. Furthermore, the governments can release a public health service with reasonable price in order to help citizens to take care for elderly people at home therefore ambitious employees can devote extensive time on their workloads. As a result, the government can receive an enormous money of taxation from economic activities.
In conclusion, I think that the increasing number of the aged population can cause several drawbacks because of putting a heavily burden on public health service and their children to look after them. However, I believe that the optimal approaches to solve this problem is the governments should increase the number of health insurance participants and provide an "at home" health service.
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You are not following the expected writing requirements for this type of essay. You should not write more than 300 words for the task 2 essay, which is a 40 minute writing task. Your paraphrasing is not accurate as it does not reference the correct information from the original prompt and, you do not have a clear writer's opinion presented since you repeated the questions in statement form rather than presenting the basis of your succeeding discussion paragraphs. Suffice to say, this essay will start with a failing TA score, which will ensure you do not pass the test. Your conclusion is also incorrect since it is not a summary presentation of the original. It appears that you are not familiar with the requirements for writing the task 2 essay which is why you made such serious errors in this presentation. Try to read more sample essays for task 2 writing. That should help you with your self study process.
in the first paragraph, do not use 'I' if the question doesn't include the word 'you'. Besides, your introduction is too short.
grammar mistake: minimize number
serve: word choice
tacking? do you mean 'tackling'?
elderly people? I have never spotted this phrase
you have so many errors in paraphrasing, grammar and vocabularies. I see some complex phrases but they seem not to fit in with your overall essay because there are many mistakes.