Aging populations in countries - WRITING TASK 1 Ielts

proportion of of population aged 65 years and over

The line chart illustrated the percentage of population aged 65 years and over in three different countries namely USA, Sweden, Japan between 1940 and 2040.
Overall, it is obvious that the proportion of population aged 65 years and over in three different countries increase sharply from 1940 to 2040.
The figure of population aged 65 years and over of Japan saw a minimal decrease from 5% to around 3% from 1940 to 1960. Then there was a stability in the figure from 1960 to 1980. After that, A drammatical growth by 20% was seen in the figure between 1980 and 2040. The percentage of population aged 65 and over of USA rose substantially from around 9% to about 15% from 1940 to 1980. The percentage declined gradually of 2% through the period between 1980 and 2020. Then a significant rise by 10% in the percentage of population aged 65 years and over of USA was witnessed in 2040. We can see that was a increase of the proportion of population 65 years and over of Sweden similar to. The proportion of population 65 years and over of Sweden went up remarkably from about 7% to over 14% from 1940 to 1980. Then there was a slight drop by 1% in the proportion through the period. After that, the year 2040 was experianced a considerable growth by 12% from around 2000 to 2040.

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There is a clear formatting problem in this essay. You need to have at least 3 paragraphs in the presentation that is composed of at least 150 words, but no more than 200. There is no sense in writing more words if the information you are presenting is not easy to read due to the formatting situation. There are 3 countries indicated in the line graph. Each country must have its information presented in its own paragraph. The paragraph should only focus on the information for the said country. Each paragraph should have 3 - 5 sentences each to be considered a complete paragraph for this task.

Word choice is also an issue in this essay. There is no such word as drammatical, but you could have said "dramatic" instead. You also need to know when you use a simple word instead of a complex word in your description sentences. Saying "witnessed" when "seen" would have been the more appropriate term to use will not help your vocabulary score. "Big Words" should be used only when applicable. It should not be used to try and impress the examiner when used out of context. There is also a lack of clarity in some of your sentence presentations. An example being, "We can see that was an increase of the proportion of population 65 years and over of Sweden similar to."Similar to what?

@Holt
thank you so much. I need to improve my writing skill more :D

you used the past tense to describe the future events. you need to use both tenses to improve your score and as mentioned by Holt the structure is not adequate.

Good Luck

I suggest that you should pharaphrase a few words like percentage, proportion <=> figure, then <=> over the following ...( a number) years. Also, it is advisable that you use some linking words. For example instead of "The percentage of population aged 65 ..." you can say it like "Over the first four decades, the percentage of elderly citizens in USA rose substantially from 9% to 15%, followed by a slight decline to around 13% in 2020"