Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

I agree with the statement that art and music should be learned in school

Nahid87 12 / 17 7  
Jun 2, 2016   #1
Hey guys! Please help me with your suggestions even though my brain storms had been deactivated :)

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.

Art and music involves with people's emotional part. Some people believe that all student should be required to study art and music in secondary school, others have negative attitude. They think school is responsibility for working on mind exercise and educational fields. Depending on my personal experience, personality type, and emotional concern, I agree with above statement that art and music should be learned in school. Among countless factors which influence the choice, these are three conspicuous aspects as follows. Studying art and music, give students ability to do efficiently during their exercise, to know about their favorites, and also to inform about the other cultures.

The main reason for my propensity for that claim is that studying art and music enrich student's ability. They know about primary and basic part of art and music. I always have a bad feeling when I don't know even a little about a topic. Furthermore, recently studies have found that students who work on variety topics have more efficiency and they are more successful in compare their friends. For example, I have a friend who do well in playing guitar, basketball, and he also get first rank in the university.

Another reason why I agree with above statement is that it helps students to know about their favorites. During the secondary schools, student's talents are identified. Some students interested in these fields and spend more time on art or music because doing them are enjoyable for them. As a result, they can follow in a professional manner out of the school and even choose their future career in that specific field. Even these students shouldn't be required for art in schools, probably their talent wouldn't be recognized. In my view, everyone are talented in specific fields and finding that field should be main response and goal of the schools.

But there is a further more subtle point we must consider. Studying art and music helps students to know about other county's or region's cultures. Knowing about other culture by music and art make student to be informed and they feel better when they travel other parts and participate in their concerts. Even it probably effect their attitude towards the life. Music and art can play as a communication tools, too. For instance, my friend is artist. She hold a gallery every year in different part of the world which is more exciting for me.

Taking into account all the factors I mentioned above, we reach this conclusion that although teaching science topics are main goals of schools, art and music are should be tough. Actually the purpose of schools is preparing students for their future life in different aspects. Art and music is essential for every body's emotional personality. Schools could prepare a background to inform students about them and to know about their interests.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 2, 2016   #2
Hi Nahid, the introduction of this essay needs a lot more polishing, here's what I suggest;

- Art and music involves with people's emotional part. - that all students should
- others have negative attitudeapproach .
- They think school ishas the responsibility
- forto working on mind
- DependingBase on my
- and emotional concernaspect ,
- should be learnedtaught in school. - whichthat influence
- thethis choice,
- thesethere are three
- gives students the - ability to do efficiently practice during - and also to informlearn about
- the other cultures.

Nahid, I hope the above corrections strengthens your essay.
Now, you have to learn how to use the word "depending", this word simply means "to be controlled" or "to be the determining factor", in most of your sentences, the word you need is not "depending" but "base" such as "Base on my experience", "base out of", remember, the right association of words is crucial in coming up with a strong essay.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 3, 2016   #3
No Worries Nahid, we will always be here to assist you with any of your writing projects.

While you're practicing and making use of your free time writing, mind the following reminders in order to come up with a stronger essay.

- the use of punctuation marks is very minor and should be observed properly in your sentences.
- the tenses of the words as well as the forms of the words are necessary in order to come up with a logical and meaningful essay.

- the choice of the words you choose also matters in the outcome of your essay.

This are just a few reminders that you can take note of when writing, of course, subject and verb agreement needs to be observed as well, this will ensure that you will create a well rehearsed essay and something that the readers will understand.

I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects, as mentioned practice more and note your progress, even if it's just a draft you will see the progress of your writing.
OP Nahid87 12 / 17 7  
Jun 4, 2016   #4
Sure, thank you!
This site is so useful for me as I am encouraged to write more.. I hope to improve my writing ability and also get a good score in Toefl exam..
Azamat98 4 / 8 2  
Jun 4, 2016   #5
This can be a very good paradigm of writing! However, you could fortify it even further, in case, you added some more cohesive words (moreover, noneheless...)

Good luck to your future writings!

Home / Writing Feedback / I agree with the statement that art and music should be learned in school