TV is not worth devoting kids' time
Undoubtedly, watching TV is a recreational activity that almost everyone loves, especially children nowadays. However, I believe that it is such a waste of time for children to watch TV because of some reasons below. First of all, it's not good for our health. It is one of the main causes leads to obesity and eye-sightedness. Second, watching TV doesn't bring much benefits. I agree that a lot of channels or programmes are highly educational but the great number of children prefer something funny, entertaining or relating to fighting. Moreover, there might appear violence and hot scenes, which are very harmful for their mind and not realistic. Last but not least, instead of spending all the time looking at the TV screen, children can do loads of things useful for their future. For a clear example, they should join outdoor activities and go outside to discover the real world, communicate with people to gain social skills. All in all, parents shouldn't let their children watch TV too much because it's not worth devoting time.
in my perspective, you made mistakes like
It is one of the main causes leads=>leading to obesity and eye-sightedness.
there they might appear ...
do loads of things useful=>do a lot of useful things
when I read this paragraph, it is hard for me to understand your idea. You should divide your answer more clearly and expand its length for example: watching TV doesn't bring much benefits.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15458 An, I believe you are writing a response to a Task 2 essay assignment. Am I right? If so, then you have not responded properly to the given discussion topic. You need to present a fully developed essay composed of the following sections:
1. Prompt restatement with a response to the question providing the discussion outline for your essay;
2. At least 2 separate reasoning paragraphs in support of your agreement with the statement;
3. A concluding summary of the previous discussion points.
You also need to write at least 250 words for a full task 2 essay scoring consideration. What you wrote, if for a Task 2 essay will get an automatic failing grade due to the points deduction for missing word count.
If, on the contrary, you only wrote this as an English writing exercise, then it is good enough for an exercise, even with existing problems. First up, never forget to place a comma before a conjunction. In this case the conjunction is "education , but". Never use contractions such as "doesn't" in formal academic writing. Always spell out the whole word such as "does not". Using more descriptive adjectives in your essay will also help to improve your vocabulary and sentence development skills. Try to avoid using overused expressions such as "All in all", Use more modern references such as "Overall" to show a familiarity with everyday modern English word use.
