Do you agree that the traditional skills will die out? -- IELTS Essay

Dear everyone,
I am preparing for IELTS. The following is the question and my response. Your help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

This is the question:
When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The following is my essay:
With the development of technology, whether or not it is still necessary to protect the traditional skills and lifestyles leads to a drastic controversy which is becoming a public concern, especially considering the significant impact taken by technology. As far as I am concerned, the importance of traditions should be valued and paid attention to.

Traditional skills and lifestyles play important role in modern society, in terms of healthcare, environmental protection and cultural inherit. Although technology takes convenience to humankind, it also contributes to unhealthy behaviors of life, like sedentary lifestyle. Instead, traditional ways of life is a great complimentary for modern life and highlight the importance of work life balance. Meanwhile, due to the fact that traditional skills rely little on fossil energy, it is more environmentally-friendly, which should be promoted to reduce the threat of climate change. Furthermore those tradition-related things convey traditional culture and values. These are important foundation of modern civilization. Protection of tradition can provide the possibility to better understand ancient culture and utilize them to tackle modern problems.

Some people who hold different viewpoints may advocate that protecting traditions consume too much financial budget compared with the incoming it takes. In spite of the fact this kind of business bring limited contribution to government finance, it should be emphasized that the expense is trivial compared with the potential value of traditions. Therefore the government authorities and education institutes should work closely together to promote the traditional skills and ways of life, so as to make people to realize the value of them.

All in all, protection of tradition is not only important for the entire society currently, but also contributes to the next generation.

Well, I think this sentence is loosely connected. You should try to be more precise and clear!


Hope it helps)

Thanks for your guidance. I have modified the beginning of my essay. Would you mind helping me review it? Thanks in advance.

The development of modern technology risks traditional skills and lifestyle and even makes them extinguished, according to the statement of activists who also claim the protection of these traditions is meaningless. As far as I am concerned, traditional artistry and customs still play a important role in society and thrive by introducing healthy values and habits, which is worth of protecting.

I think you can extend your conclusion. :)

I would write the conclusion like this:

To sum up, although an enormous amount of money need to be spent on the conservation of traditions, I believe that it is worth protecting them because traditional skills and lifestyles play a vital role in modern society such as healthcare, environment and cultures.

.... Well, you have made a good attempt to follow the approach I suggested. However, there are few issues with that and let's take one by one;


... This is not a good hook. It is too long to be an interesting hook and also it has several errors. For example, "extinguish" is not the appropriate word to use for that idea. "extinguish" means cause (a fire or light) to cease to burn or shine. The correct word is "extinct" which means "(of a species, family, or other larger group) having no living members". Also, a good hook should be shorter, meaningful and relevant to your topic.

Then you do not introduce the background of the issue adequately to the reader.

I totally agree with you on your suggestion. However, as it is an IELTS essay, I cannot write too long in the first paragraph, considering the limited time. Could you give me some suggestion on how to make the first paragraph more attracting with the length limited to 70 words?

Furthermore, I rewrite the remaining paragraph. Would you like helping me revise it? Your help will be greatly appreciated.
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Traditional skills and lifestyle make positive contributions to modern life in terms of creating healthy habits, highlight conventional beauty and promoting the awareness of environmental and ecological protection. Although cutting-edge technology brings convenience to our lives, it leads to sedentary lifestyles meanwhile, heavily endangering health of people. As a result the growth of death rates caused by heart disease increases dramatically. Compared with modern life, traditional adeptness and manner of living encourages people to have more balanced lives by allocating time between work and relaxation reasonably, and to live a greener life by taking environmental-friendly transport, like riding bicycles. Furthermore, after being involved in them, like regular family re-union, people are able to gain sense of belong and social support, releasing their pressure caused by competition.

People who hold different viewpoints claim that traditions protection consumes enormous financial budget compared with the revenue created by it. In spite of the fact that tradition skills and customs do not boost the development of economy as much as modern technology do, it should be emphasized that they brings healthier and happier lives to humankind. Especially considering that happiness is the eventual aim of human being, government authority should support promotion and protection of traditional artistry and manner of living in different kinds of ways, including, but no restricted to, allocating financial budget.

To sum up, although an enormous amount of money need to be spent on the conservation of traditions, I believe that it is worth protecting them because traditional skills and lifestyles play a vital role in modern society such as health, values and environment.

Alright.... the ideal way is to write a catchy short hook that provides a very good entrance to your essay. It should be relevant to your prompt too :) In this case, you topic revolves around technological development and its impact on traditional skills. So you need to start from that point;

We now live in an era in which technology dominates every aspect of our lives. (hook) Now you can start to introduce your topic ... OR

If you struggle to come up with a good hook, then you open your essay with introducing the background of the issue. That is much easier because all you need to do is to paraphrase the prompt.