Please give any comments if necessary on my writing, I would really appreciate. Thanks in advance!
Benefits of Telecommuting For Employers and Employees
TOPIC: Many employees may work at home with modern technology. Some people claim that it benefits only workers, but not employers. Do you agree or disagree?
Over the last few decades, a wide range of modern technology has been invented and used in many aspects of our lives, and is especially conducive to work. The fact that staffs can work from home with advanced devices, however, only does good to the staffs themselves, but not managers, according to some people's beliefs. From a personal perspective, I completely oppose to this idea and in this essay, I will clarify my viewpoint by giving these reasons.
To begin with, it can be clearly seen that working at home can help both employees and employers saving a large amount of money. Normally, these money must be spent on travel expenses, gasoline and offices' rent, which are mostly be paid by the managers. Therefore, allowing staffs to work at home by using modern technology like laptops and smartphones is a good way to run a company without having to pay too much money on unnecessary things. Moreover, telecommuting can also increase productivity of employees because working from home enables them to have the most convenient and comfortable environment to accomplish their tasks. For instance, if employees have to spend time to travel to work, there is every likelihood that there are going to be unintended incidents occurring on their way to the office. As a result, not only the employers must pay for hospital fees, but the work efficiency of employees is also reduced.
Critics may say that working from home unables managers to track their staffs' work and productivity. However, this can be done easily with the advent of up-to-date technology and notification of deadlines. Take TimeDoctor for example, an online app which allows small businesses to track working time of employees.
To sum up, it is evident that modern technology has granted people a mixed variety of advantages, especially in business. Telecommuting is now available in many companies, and perhaps a favourable way to benefit both employees and employers.
I think you should be more careful paragraphing your essay.
As you "completely disagree" with the statement, I would expect two body paragraphs, each elaborates on one reason for your position. You may refute the statement by presenting a solution (as you did in body paragraph 2), but it's not wise to dedicate a whole paragraph to do that (and in terms of length, you failed to distribute equal word counts to both paragraphs, which may easily give out the impression that your ideas are not fully extended).
Welcome to the forum! Let me help you with your essay.
First and foremost, be cautious of the structure of your sentences. You have a tendency to compose quite baffling content. This is mostly rooted from the the fact that you tend to ramble a lot in your writing. Have more compressed and yet structured content - doing this will enable you to have hold over your essay's direction in the long-run.
Keeping these in mind, I recommend that you try to incorporate more necessary terminologies. Using more appropriate terms will help you heighten the level of your essay as you are able to focus more on content that matters. Incorporating synonymous terms will also help you evade being repetitive with your words. This is critical when you are writing with long-form content.
Remember: being straightforward and having clarity both at the same time will take you a long way when it comes to writing.
Keeping these things in mind, let's revise a few portions of your essay.
Over the last
few decades, ... and used in many aspects of our lives, and is especially conducive to work extending to work-related means. ... home with advanced devices, ... good to the staffs themselves, but not to the managers , according to some people's beliefs. From a personal perspective, I completely oppose to this idea. and in this essay, ... reasons.
Notice how omitting the last sentence still gives you a similar idea of the thoughts you want to portray - but with a shorter overall length. Incorporating these types of content will help you become more engaging with your essay in the latter portions.
Best of luck in your writing.