Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matter that affect them.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
giving freedom to your children
In today's world, we overcome obstacles on a daily basis. It is important to learn how to make important decisions for everyone. Nevertheless, there are people who think that if we give children the freedom to choose what to eat or what to wear, etc. , they become selfish. On the contrary, some people believe that it is necessary for children to make decisions about his/her actions. Two points of views shall be discussed. In addition, also my idea will be presented.
On one hand, there are a group of peoples that think giving freedom of choice to children will be bad for the future of them. Because there will be a lot of persons in the society that doesn't respect others opinion and only care about their own feeling. For example, one of my friends has a child who only sits by himself at the parties and doesn't lend his toys to other kids, and cries if a person tries to touch them to play with him.
On the other hand, nowadays also of people think it is great to teach kids how to make a decision, it makes them independent which is a very good characteristic. They think it makes them ready for future life. For example, while I was growing up, there were many kids in my age that have the freedom to do what they want, and they turned out fine.
Lastly, in my opinion, it is crucial for children to learn how to make decisions. Becuase if they do not know, this will hunt them for the rest of their life. I have always admired my mother's attitude toward me. I was free to make a decision. But if it was wrong, she tried to talk me out of it or support me through the process to see the consequences myself.
In conclusion, two types of thinking were discussed it my essay, and in the fourth paragraph, I presented my own thoughts on the subject. Overall it does not matter if you are scared to give freedom to your children, because it is also important to think about his/her future and believing that, your kid is capable of doing anything as long as he/she has your support.
Just_writer, hi please see below
1. I recommend to avoid these types of sentences in the last part of the introduction: Two points of views shall be discussed. In addition, also my idea will be presented. They are rather mechanical and represent little interest both to the reader and to the examiner. I believe it would be better to present your opinion on whether you agree or disagree straightaway. You may use something like " While both opinions have solid grounds, I believe we have to allow children to make their own decisions independently".
2. You have a great structure. This is a huge plus. I feel your example in the first body paragraph does not relate to the argument. The link between the child not sharing his toys and not allowing him to make his decisions is not obvious. You should make this connection clear. Same is true with regard to your own example in the second body paragraph. "turned out fine" is rather a generalist conclusion. Examples should be more specific.
3. In the conclusion you used the same structure as in the last sentences of your introduction. Please remove them and add something that is unique and interesting. And it is the conclusion where you need to reiterate your opinion on the topic (which is from what I understand "it is crucial for children to make decisions". The last sentence of the essay might begin with "I strongly believe that parents should not deprive their children of the opportunity to make their own decisions, however they have to support them".
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You have properly represented the requirements of the Task Accuracy section of scoring. There is a clear representation of your understanding of the prompt requirements in line with the topic discussion presentation. Your outline, as required by the essay, is accurate and helpful in representing the upcoming discussion. So you can expect to get a decent score in that section for your presentation. Believe me when I tell this because I have been advising successful test takers at this forum for a number of years now. You can definitely take my word for it when I advice you regarding improvements to your essay development skills.
The essay that you have written is actually very strong. In terms of presentation, your discussion considers all sides of the discussion and gives you the opportunity to fully develop the presentation. While some presentations, like the about the neighbors child is not fully developed, the reader tends to understand what it is that you are trying to say. You could safely say that there is very little stress on the part of the reader because your presentation is simple enough to be understood.
I applaud you for knowing that you need to separate your opinion discussion from the concluding statement. Also, that you know well enough to not present it at the end of the opening statement of the IELTS test. You have written this essay by the book and it has helped you create an acceptable and passable essay. There are a number of problems with your essay though that relate to vocabulary (spelling) and word usage. One important reminder though, do not use the abbreviation "etc." in your essay. That is only used in informal English writing. Not in academic writing like this essay requires.
In the essay, you misspelled the words "because" and you also used it to start a sentence. As a connecting word, "Because" should never be used to start a sentence as there is no though process to connect at the start of a sentence.
Problem with the conclusion. You still continued the discussion after summarizing the presentation of facts from the essay. A conclusion should do just that, end a conversation. It is not meant to allow you to have an additional avenue to present more information. You don't have the time nor sentence count to do that in the conclusion. Please avoid doing that with your future essays in order to increase your scoring considerations.