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Alternative resources - an effective solution that should be encouraged to use in the near future.


Nhat Px 3 / 5  
Jul 31, 2018   #1

ALTERNATIVE energy RESOURCES



Topic: Fossil fuel such as coal, oil and natural gas are used in many country. The use of alternative source of energy, including wind and solar power is encourage. Is this trend a positive or negative development.

Nowadays human beings are facing the shortage of essential natural resources as coals, oil, which forces us to explore the new ones to provide promptly growing demand of society. Green energy is a wonderful solution addressing the serious problem in terms of there incredible features.

To begin with, conventional fuels hold significant economic cost. A wide range of industries have to spend to much on exploiting raw materials. Moreover the budget of processing domain a large rate on manufacturing cost resulting in inflating selling price and decreasing competitiveness. At the same time, that the fuels are transported from mines to factories also costs much that corporations should attempt to reduce and control this logistics process. Thus, people waste time and money in paying for complex things.

Equally importantly, the utility of non-renewable resources causes serious climate change. Take the case of Shanghai, China as an example. Its residents definately suffer from breathing toxics for numerous factories release contaminated airon generating product from traditional fuels. Unless people use face mask or other protective clothes, they could not go outside whether it is day or night.

Last but not least, Using alternative energy allows society to take full advantage of natural power and maintain our environment balance and health. It is simple for us to acknowledge renewable energy ranging from solar system, heat-themal. Not only do they cost as less as conventional ones but it also impulse the related technology. Furthermore, once being taken into production, green fuels will contribute significant parts into reducing environmental problems.

By way of conclusion, while people are facing the diminish of non-renewable, demand for energy keeps growing. Alternative resources is a effective solution that should be encouraged to use in the near future.

smally01 9 / 34 14  
Jul 31, 2018   #2
Hi Nhat Px, hope that I can help.

The question you posted didn't mention anything about "human being are facing the shortage of fossil fuels" at all. In that case may I suggested that to avoid putting anything not appear on the question to your introduction paragraph.

Forgive me if I was wrong, but I guess the question is about "whether the use of alternative source of energy a positive or negative development", so you may have to choose either side just like the way when you are dealing with "Agree or Disagree" questions. I heard some may choose so call 'Balancing approach' which gives the answer of supporting both sides. I admire those who able to give thus the answer in the short time frame (i.e. within 40 minutes on an IELTS test). For me I will not take that risk as I know myself very well - I am not the good writer still! Oops, sorry for the off topic, in short I would suggest you to stick with one side and state your position in the introduction paragraph. This help readers to prepare what they expected to see in the body paragraphs.

And for the second paragraph, it sounds to me that the topic sentence of it is to tell readers the use of "conventional fuels" are expensive. And the reason behind is that 1. the harvestation cost is high and 2. the transportation cost is high. I'm not good in grammar but again, as a reader, I think it would be nice if you can make a little amendment to the sentences such as list all the causes first and then tell the consequences. And I believe it will help you to gain some marks on "coherence and cohesion" as well.

Similar approach as 2nd paragraph to the 3rd one. From there you mentioned that:

Its residents definately suffer ...

So let me try breaking your idea down to:
- Shanghai residents suffer from toxic air
- Shanghai residents cannot go outside without face mask or other protective clothes (protective clothes... are you serious!?)
- Shanghai factories release contaminated air
- those contaminated/toxic air generated by the factories using traditional fuels


Now, please don't laugh at me, I'm trying very hard to rearrange your sentence... you know if I'm the good writer, I do not need post my childish essaies here...

...factories there still burn a lot of traditional fuels when in production. Thus the process releases a lot of pollutants such as the toxic contaminated air. This brings the detrimental health impact to the citizen and hence they can only go out with facemask and protective cloth to avoid the inhale of those toxic gas.

Ok, let's stop laugh out loud and move on the 4th paragraph. I guess you are trying to tell readers how good it is to use those "alternative source of energy". And one of your topic sentence is:

Using alternative energy allows society to take full advantage of natural power and maintain our environment balance and health.

May I suggest that try to tell us more WHY it is the case (i.e. why such the approach allows society to take full advantage of ...)? And also any supporting information for your answer (i.e. if your answer of the above topic sentence is: well, it is clean. Then please explain why it is clean, such as: well, it doesn't like fossil fuels that when burn it release toxic gas and carbon dioxide, which bala bala... it is the most evil enemy of the plant, etc)?

And for the conclusion part, I guess you had been influenced by your introduction paragraph so you bring along the information/task that not mentioned on the original question. Say if my guess was right that it is a agree/disagree type of question, then in the conclusion part you may have to restate your point of view (costly and dirty of using traditional source of energy, how good on using that alternative source of energy) as well as your choose side (the agree I believe).

Sorry, lengthy, again, I'm not a good writer, even to make sentence short... thanks for your patience.
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Aug 1, 2018   #3
Nguyen, the TA score for this essay will be a 1. That is because you are not properly delivering a response to the question. You actually changed the prompt topic, causing a deviation in your response. Your response is not in reference to the given task. I can say this because the:

Question: Is this trend a positive or negative development.

and your response is:

Answer: Green energy is a wonderful solution addressing the serious problem in terms of there incredible features.

It is at this very point where you created the failing point for this essay. Once the TA score is 1, there is no chance that you can get a score of 5. A clear sign that you did not understand the prompt instructions, added to the other writing problems in this essay as pointed out by @smally01 means as a writer, you failed to do the following:

1. You did not understand the English discussion instructions;
2. You had paragraph discussion issues;

Finally, the biggest mistake that you made was that you changed the prompt discussion / deviated from the original prompt.


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