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IELTS 1: the amount of hours the teenagers in Chester spend in a week for doing activities 2002-2007


monicaaa0017 7 / 16  
Dec 20, 2021   #1
Hi Mrs Holt! Would you please give feedback for my writing? Thank you!

IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - HOURS SPENT IN CHESTER



The bar chart illustrates the amount of hours the teenagers in Chester spend in a week for doing activities between 2002 and 2007.

Overall, the most popular activity among the teenagers was watching the TV. On the other hand, bowling accounted for the lowest amount of hours the teenagers spent. Furthermore, as shown on the figure, other activities were spent at the average.

In 2007, teenagers spent time going to pubs for over 15 hours as the highest. Among all activities, bowling was the least amount of hours spent which only reached slightly above 0 in 2007. Meanwhile, the amount of hours spent on shopping climbed steadily every year and reach its highest at 15 hours in 2007.

In terms of homework, the amount of hours spent dropped every year to its lowest of just over 5 hours in 2007. Similarly, as years went by the teenagers spent less amount hours on sports and the lowest amount was above 0 in 2007. The amount of hours teenagers watching DVDs increased to its peak at below 20 after which decreased to its lowest at 10 hours.



Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,303 3989  
Dec 20, 2021   #2
Hello, please heed the warning that I sent you privately. You have one more chance with me.

The presentation is well grouped and well developed in terms of information presentation, but only for one year. The comparative analysis is a bit on the short side. You are focused only on the factual reporting of the data with little comparisons provided. Your essay is focused solely on the 2007 data. There is no comparison of the various years provided. You did not mention any of the other years (2002, 2006, etc.). So the comparative discussion can be considered faulty. You are only providing a report of one specific year. A clear comparison based on the years indicated in the chart is missing.

The missing data was caused by the lack of proper grouping in your presentation. Aside from grouping per related activity, you should have also represented the years by group. That means creating a summarized comparison for the years 2002-2004, then 2005-2007 for the grouped activities. By comparing the years by group, you will be able to present a clear comparative analysis of the factual trend for each grouped activity, adding to the clear comparative analysis of the report you presented. Note that your reporting paragraphs focused on 2007 alone. You cannot use the compressed trending statement to replace the group analysis and reporting requirements as that is not based on factual data from the image.
OP monicaaa0017 7 / 16  
Dec 20, 2021   #3
I apologize for my mistake. I did not intend to, really. I'm really sorry. Anyway, thank you for giving feedback on my writing. Much appreciate it.


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