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TOEFL: 'analogous concern and money' - financial support for sports and social activities


nasiim 2 / 3  
Oct 20, 2013   #1
Hi! I would like to see your comments to improve my writing and any other idea to respond this questions. Thank you very much!
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

There are a lot of debates about the importance of sports and social activities in contrast with the main classes. It is very subjective decision for students to have or not have these facilities. Although multitudes of people think that sports and social activities are not as necessary as academic subjects in colleges, I think that these activities have the same efficient role in students' lives. In the following, I will state my reason for this choice.

First, besides the good body shape, sports have very vital effects in(on?) human's healthfulness. In my viewpoint, our body and moral health depend to physical activities directly. As a case in point, last month I had very difficult exam that I forced to study for one week back to back. After that exam, I felt depressed and exhausted. Therefore, I decided to go to gym to recuperate and it responded very well! As a result, sports are necessary for students to acquire their energy and health.

Second, besides the academic knowledge, the awareness of social behavior is an important factor for human's life. As a practical epitome, students should be prepared to present in society after their graduation. Thus social activities can help them to be familiar with other's mind and different environment. In my opinion, social groups and classes are significant factors to prepare students to contribute in discussion and encounter real social environment. So, social activities have same rights to receive monetary support.

Moreover, they bring about students to be happier and to have more fun and entertainments. If we follow just one wing of my life i.e., studying as a student, after some whiles it would be boring and we wouldn't have any motivation. Such activities can help us to pick up with other students and have more friends. In my perspective, more friends and new experience inspire the feeling of happiness and excitement in me.

All in all, I am in the conviction that sports and social activities should obtain analogous concern and money in the view of above-mentioned reasons. They bring a lot of advantages and benefits for students and also affect their future in a positive way.
skynet0512 2 / 5  
Oct 20, 2013   #2
human's healthfulness

First, besides the good body shape, sports have very vital effects in(on?) human's healthfulness. are crucial to a healthy lifestyle. In my viewpoint, our body and moral health depend to physical activities directly. As a case in point, last month I had a very difficult exam that I forced to study for one week back to back. After that exam, I felt depressed and exhausted. Therefore Then, I decided to go to the gym to recuperate and it responded very well! As a result, Therefore, sports are necessary for students to acquire their energy and health.

Other comments
- You may avoid the phrase "besides + N-phrase" by using the followings: "in addition to" or "apart from"
- An IELTS examiner living in UK told me that we should not use the word "Moreover" as it is old-fashioned. Furthermore or In addition are good substitutions.

Hope this helps.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Oct 20, 2013   #3
Well... I think you need to have lots of improvement with regard to your essay structure. Your introduction looks too lengthy.
OP nasiim 2 / 3  
Oct 21, 2013   #4
Thank you very much!! your comments are very helpful!
aqua12713 1 / 1  
Oct 22, 2013   #5
There are a lot of debates about the importance

HI!
Good writting. But some comments.
First, It think it would be better if we don't use a lot of in our academic writings. Instead, we can use an endless list of debates about the ...

our body and moral health depend to ...
our physical and mental health depend on ...
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Oct 22, 2013   #6
Second, besides the academic knowledge, the awareness of social behavior is an important factor for human's life. As a practical epitome, students should be prepared to present in society after their graduation. Thus social activities can help them to be familiar with other's mind and different environment. In my opinion, social groups and classes are significant factors to prepare students to contribute in discussion and encounter real social environment. So, social activities have same rights to receive monetary support.

TOEFL Independent writing task expects you to provide specific examples to back the reasons that you present to justify your position on the argument. So, in your body paragraphs, you need to back the reasons with examples, which I don't see in this essay. Also, be mindful about the time factor too. I feel your one reason per one body para is a good arrangement to manage time well. However, you need to have the examples, if you aim for a good score.


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