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TOEFL practice 1 - sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries


Cindyliu 2 / 2  
Aug 6, 2016   #1
Hello~ Essay Forum,
I need some help to improve my writing skills. This is my first thread, and I would greatly appreciate your suggestion on my content and grammar. Thank you very much~~

At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support

Some people claim that the university and colleges should spend more financial support at classes and libraries to renew the last expensive technics and books. However, although it is important to give students a great study environment, helping students develop socially is as important as well. Furthermore there are many benefits which sports and social activities lead to strengthen both physical and psychological side for every students.

Playing sports and joining in social activities are both good ways for students to release their stress. After concentrating on doing something for long time and don't get an expecting results, we will feel tired and frustrated. The pressure will press us in a blue mood, in this time playing some sports or join in social activities would be a well suggestion.

As more as more companies take importance in not only how well student's academic background knowledge are but also looking for well social interaction and know how to cope with stress in a proper way. So the universities an colleges should help students to develop the sociability in their learning stage. Joining a sport team or social activity may help students experience how to working as a team instead of individually. In this process students may learn to take care of others thoughts, the social skills, and team's spirit and also find the self-identity, all of them may prove very important in building a career.

As above proving that sports and social activities is important as classes and libraries. Before achieving a great milestone in the academic researching, a good social skills and well dealing with stress have been one's personality traits. What I believe that universities and colleges should spend adequate financial support in academic and social side. For instance, it should build the sport court, budget planning for buying the necessary equipment, and also distribute the scholarship for encouraging well performance.

For these reasons, I maintain that universities and colleges should spend adequate financial support in both academic education and social movements helping students develop their future.

Wolf Larsen - / 127 47  
Aug 6, 2016   #2
Hello

Your text is easily understandable, but you could still consider applying some stylistic adjustments to it. Some of them are as follows;


should spend [...] provide more financial support, in order to ensure that the educational process is not hampered in any technical way.
helping students [...] it is just as important to provide students with the opportunity to attain social skills.
Furthermore [...] After all, students will indeed benefit rather substantially from indulging in sports and leading a socially integrated lifestyle.
Playing sports ... [...] represent some good ways for students to...
After concentrating [...] having concentrated on... and don't [...] failed to achieve the expected objectives...
in this time [...] At this time... (new sentence)
would be [...] will prove throughly approprite.
I would suggest you go through the rest of the text on your own (it will do good for you), trying to: a) simplify the sentences (some of them sound a bit unintelligible, due to their sheer length), b) adjust the use of the 'continuous present' tense to be consistent with the applicable grammar rules.

I hope this helped. Regards.


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