'applying to several different schools is the better choice' -essay on college choice

I'm preparing myself for TOEFL exam and this is my first practice essay. I would really appreciate your feedback. Thank you in advance.

The topic of the essay is:
Some students apply for admission only to their first-choice school, while others apply to several schools. Which plan do you agree with, and why?

When approaching higher education, one has a choice of either applying to only their first choice of schools, or applying to several schools to increase their odds of being accepted. Applying to multiple schools would be a better choice because the student is guaranteed acceptance, and the student still has some choice.

Students who apply to multiple schools are guaranteed to be accepted, because they are not limited to being rejected by their first choice schools. If the student is not accepted by their first choice schools, there is still a good chance that their secondary choice schools will have accepted their application.

Students who apply to several different schools have some choice on which school they go to. They can choose a school that matches their budget, as well as its location. Some students may prefer to stay closer to their home so they can save money on living expenses, and perhaps save money on tuition by not going to their choice school.

Due to the reasons above, I believe that applying to several different schools is the better choice, because the student is guaranteed acceptance, and the student still has some choice.

You follow the expected structure of TOEFL essays. Your introdutory para is great in which you give a brief introdution to the topic and specifically state in which side of the argument you are with. That is what they expect.

Then in the body paras you need to give reasons (one reason for each body para) and then support them with specific examples. In your first body para, you provide the following reason but do not support with a specific example;


your example;


this sounds pretty general and not very specific. Provide a specific case... for example;
One of my friends applied to colleges of his first choice only and he was rejected by all of them. He got very disappointed and became very helpless. Had he applied for secondary choice schools, he had a greater probability of being accepted by some college.

Second body para is really good and you give specific examples as to why you say students have more options by applying to secondary schools.

Also your conclusion is good.
Overall, you've done a good job. If this is your first essay, you dont have to worry about TOEFL writing task at all. :)