IELTS argument essay large amount of violence in television programs

Hello everyone, I am new here, and this is my essay, I would be greatly appropriated if someone could give me some advice.
There is a large amount of violence in television programs we should reduce. Do you agree or disagree?

Excessive violence in television programs has been one of the major concerns facing society. Reducing such contents from TV shows is the widely accepted solution endorsed by the majority of governments throughout the world today. Personally, I believe that governments should definitely reduce violent components to the minimum in kidvids, while such contents remain in the TV shows that for mature minds to watch would be entirely reasonable.

Admittedly, reducing the proportion of violent content in TV shows could, to some degree, decrease the overall crime rate. However, in order to tackle this problem more effectively, governments must first prohibit any types of violent content in all children`s television programs. As a result of mental immaturity, most youngsters are incapable of distinguishing right from wrong. Little wonder, then, that by watching these violent TV programs and videos, juveniles will become very aggressive and offensive and have a great tendency to commit crimes. Therefore, it would be rather necessary for governments to establish an intensive law that prevents teenagers from watching these violent and brutal TV Shows and movies.

Nevertheless, it would certainly be a violation of adults` civil liberties, if governments implement such a restricted regulation on these TV shows or movies that only for mature audiences. Frequently, adults watch horror video or war movies for relaxing themselves after a busy day. For whom, such media sources are mere materials of relaxation and entertainment. Considering that these mature minds are capable of being responsible for their own behaviors, they certainly have the right to watch TV shows or movies that are appealing to them.

In conclusion, it is my belief that violent contents must be excluded from all kidvids in order to reduce the proportion of juvenile delinquency; however, the adults should not be the victim of this policy.

The best advice is to have 4 paragraphs for your essay that includes the introduction, the (two arguments between) bodies and the conclusion.
Right, You have 2 bodies but I think second one doesn't prove your thesis. I think you can put it in first paragraph. I think second body looks like a concession and it would be better to put it first. Read this one below:

Concession : If you're writing a persuasive piece, you might consider beginning with a concession--that is, by beginning with an acknowledgement of part of your opponent's argument as being valid. Remember that a concession is not a form of weakness. In fact a concession is a strength as it finds common ground with your opponent and establishes your ethical appeal: you are a reasonable person willing to listen to/acknowledge that there are more sides to an issue than yours.

**You can't ignore compelling opposing evidence. You must address strong arguments on the other side; if you don't, it looks like you are not well prepared and have not looked at the issue you are writing about from all perspectives.**

example: "True, gun control legislation in Canada needs to be tightened to prevent the United States from becoming as violent as its neighbors to the south. The proposal that has been submitted, however, does not go far enough. Instead,...[now writer begins building his side of argument, showing how it is stronger than the opposing side's!] - (Use transitions between sentences to serve as cues for the reader (first, second, then, however, consequently, therefore, thus, still, nevertheless, notwithstanding, furthermore, in fact, in contrast, similarly, instead)

I find this piece of advice really helpful, thank you so much. (-:

Overall, you could write. I have some points here:


Have a look at the blue phrases. They are too vague for me. You need to raise an real-life example. By this, it will make me easier to follow the logical order.

With these corrections, very good essay!:)

to make your essay more specific, you can take some examples from your experiences or your daily life. it is preferable than you write another person's life