Arts and humanities should not get less attention than science and technology do in schools today

IELTS Writing Task 2: Agree or Disagree essay

Here is my latest essay on IELTS Task 2. Please be free to leave your feedbacks. Thanks in advance.

Topic: Since science and technology are becoming more and more important in modern society, schools should spend more time on teaching these subjects rather than on arts and humanities. To what extent do you agree?

Based on the notion that science and technology have become increasingly essential in human life, some people believe that there would be many benefits if education gives more priority to these subjects. While I agree that these advantages are undeniable, this is not a sufficiently sound reason to neglect the importance of arts and humanities education.

On the one hand, there are many reasons why putting more emphasis on technological and scientific subjects in school's curriculum would be beneficial. Firstly, students would have more opportunities to broaden their knowledge in these two fields. Given the fact that there is a growing demand for jobs that require scientific and technological expertise nowadays, thus, students who are specialized in science and technology subjects would find it less challenging to find high-paid jobs. In addition to that, when students are equipped with technological and scientific knowledge, it is more likely that in the future, they will have brilliant inventions which are expected to make a major contribution to modern life.

However, it is also necessary to acknowledge the importance of arts and humanities to students. Arts and humanities are commonly believed to help them to gain a better vision of the past and how the world has changed over the time. Therefore, once students are well educated in these two fields, they would not only understand the mistakes made in the past but also be reflected upon the great things that the humanity has accomplished. Besides, it is widely believed that the ultimate mission of education should be the inclusive development of students, thus, arts and humanities deserve a fair share of school's curriculum.

In conclusion, based on reasons above, I believe that arts and humanities should not get less attention than science and technology do in schools today.

You did a great job on explaining why both are needed to be in school, however, i think you did not show HOW MUCH you agree or disagree in this essay. Basing on your bodies, you partially agreed to the question but discussed the importance of both, and not neglecting other subjects.

Hi,
I think your essay is very well-structured, as your paragraph flow is accomplished by a concrete topic sentences and supporting ideas that are logically connected.

And the way you partly agree is fine, because you do give reasons why you think that way.

There are only a few suggestions that I can give you, since your essay is already pretty good.

I think you have some problems with conditional sentences in your essay, like:
... if education gave more priority ...
This is an hypothetical situation (well, not many schools really neglect art and humanities), so the tense in the if clause should be simple past.

..., they will not only understand...

Also, in this sentence:
... nowadays, thus, students who ...

I think the word "thus" is redundant here, as "Given the fact" is already equivalent to "because".

I'm also an English learner so feel free to point out any mistakes in my advice if there are.
Good luck.