Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS

Hello!
I am a newbie, I found this awesome sites by chance while searching for some Ielts Writing correction sites. I would be very grateful if you could help me correct my essay as I am studying Ielts myself.

Topic: Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

My Essay:

Essay:

There has been wide opinion that Government should invest more money on public services rather than arts such as music and theatre. However, in my perspective, both public services and arts worth investment.

It is obvious axiomatic that indispensable public services like hospital and school worth every penny investing. Investing in hospitals helps improve people's health, also, in schools assists with raising our children's education level. Apparently if these facilities were not spent adequately, our standard of living would deteriorate.

But our standard of living also depend on another factor - spiritual life which is related closely with arts. Arts include many forms and music as well as cinema are the most typical. These two art forms not only provide the public with entertainment but also contribute significantly to the economy. The income of film and music industries produce millions of dollars each year for the Goverment, for instance K-pop and Hollywood, and these industries can not survive without goverment's financial assistance.

The long and the short of it, both arts and public services are important to the community and should be invested properly

You are thoroughly off tangent with your response. The prompt asked you "to what degree do you agree with the statement". It was not asking for your opinion on the topic. It was asking you to agree with what was said to a certain degree. Instead, you gave a personal opinion on the matter. Revise the essay to stay on topic. Do not deviate from discussing only the essay prompt. Otherwise, your essay will not be answering the prompt and will fail the test.

Don't get too stressed out with the review. Just relax and take it easy. Study other IELTS essays that are freely available on the internet so that you can get a sense of how to best answer essay prompts like the one you posted. By studying the way the others before you answered their essays, you will be able to develop your writing style and possibly pick up some pointers along the way. Good luck and keep practicing :-)

Oh thank for your comments. This is an Ielts Task 2 Essays so I have to write following the formula method.

Yup Thanks u very much. :) Your advice would prove useful to me as that's what I read from Ielts takers' tips. Next time I will try my own styles

Perspective and view mean the same thing. It should have said "In my point of view" to be more grammatically correct. If you want to use perspective in the sentence then it is alright to do so. Sometimes the English grammar uses different words that mean the same thing. Such as in the case of perspective and view. If you have a thesaurus handy, you will find that you can say words with the same meaning in about 5 different ways :-)

Oh deer, thank you very much.I often use dictionary app on my phone but I haven't found any ideal thesaurus dict yet, could you recommend a good one;

You are welcome. Also, if you don't mind, I'd like to correct your spelling. It is DEAR as in "My DEAR Mrs. Jones" and not DEER as in "Bambi is a DEER" :-) I am not sure if it has an online app but the one that I commonly use is an online thesaurus. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to post links on the forum so I cannot directly recommend one to you. I believe Google will help you find an app for the thesaurus. I know that it can be accessed on mobile and tablet devices. I am not so sure about the android though.

oh my dear:) And yup my Android can get accessed to Google but iam looking for an offline one. I am using OALD8. Its pretty good and useful in terms of idiom and phrase but not good at thesaurus. Any way I will find one

If you want a book or printed version of the thesaurus, I can recommend Merriam and Webster. Just make sure to ask for the updated one, the latest version so that you can get the updated words listing. It is a big help when you are learning to write essays because it almost totally eliminates redundancy in the sentences since you can use different words with the same meaning to express yourself .

I have just found it on Appstore and installing it, It seems good as it has 4.5/5 star. Thanks for your recommendation!