An attempt on IELTS writing for differences on politeness between generations

Dear all, please help to let me know if the below able to get band score 5 or above (or below) on IELTS standard, thanks in advance!

Relations between generations in today's world

Nowadays some children are showing less respect to adults than in the past. What cause this problem? What can be done?

In recent years there is trend showing that more children show less or even no respection to the adults then before. This essay will discuss the reason behind as well as the possible solutions to the issue.

The reason behind impolite children could be vary. Some suggested that it was caused by the failure of an education system. For instance in Hong Kong, students are graded by their academic result, hence they are taught to pursuit for the higher score on different subjects with regardless to learn on how to show their care and respect to others.

Others claimed that is the outcome of ignorance or even mis-conduct of the offspring's parents. It is common to see in the Hong Kong family that the domestic helper is the only one who would be able to spend most time with the kids in the family as their parent's time are all occupied by their full-time job.

Children also a good and quick leaner by observing and repeating on what their parents do. So if their parents show no respecting to the others such as the domestic helper, so do their offspring.

To deal with the saturation, the parents themselves should always remind themselves to avoid acting and mis-conduct that they do not want their kids to follow. They also need to spend much time with their children thus kids get more chance to learn from their parents.

I'm not sure where in the scale of 1 to 9 your english skills are at, but this essay is of a pretty low quality; sorry if that offends you, you'll be improving anyway :) Here's my suggestions:

@nhihoai
Thanks for your comments.
@hphuc123
Thanks for your comments. It is true that the essay is crap...

@smally01 Due to your inability to meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words for this direct question essay (you only wrote 244 words) there will be a deduction of points based upon the number of words required to meet the 250 minimum mark. Your sentences are all overly long (run-on) sentences which need to be separated not by commas but by periods as you have a tendency to string together various thoughts in one paragraph. Writing 3 sentences as a minimum allows you to better develop your explanation. Writing 5 sentences, as the maximum requirement per paragraph not only helps you achieve the minimum word count, but also offers you an opportunity to increase your C&C and GRA scores. Based on the way that this essay was written though, I do not believe that it can score higher than a 4 - 4.5 for several reasons:

1. Your response to the question is not fully developed;
2. Your ideas are not well supported in the essay due to the lack of explanation development;
3. You have not attempted to present a progressive discussion because you are focusing only on the students of Hong Kong rather than delivering a generalized discussion. While discussing the children in Hong Kong is acceptable, you do not really connect your discussions with transition sentences to indicate a cohesive discussion / explanation as to why the situation occurs in Hong Kong families and society. The use of transition sentences will help you to connect the discussions in a smoother manner. Transition sentences help to create a more coherent discussion presentation of related topics and ideas.

4. Your sentence development is limited to simple sentences even though there is evidence that you tried to create complex sentences. You need to work on developing your discussions and reasoning in this instance so that the paragraphs make more sense to the reader.

The reason your score is very low is related to how you have limited your paragraph discussions. You need to expand the explanations and offer solid examples to support your claims. Also, this is a direct question essay so your response should be clearly indicated somewhere in the opening paraphrase. The usual spot for that presentation are the last 2 sentences or last sentence of the opening paraphrase presentation. In this instance, your direct response should have indicated a cause and a possible solution for expanded discussion in the body of paragraphs.

@Holt Thanks for your comment! I'll try my best next time and your continue supports are always appreciated.