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Too much attention on small things!



Vns9x 102 / 230  
Oct 3, 2014   #1
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People pay too much attention to the less important things in life and fail to see the larger issues. Use specific reasons and details to explain your opinion.

Humans are very materialistic and greedy creatures. Since, the day we first step on this planet till these days. Consequently, it hinders our view about this world. In particular, nowadays those things can be money and utility for human beings.

First and uppermost, the majority of people consider that living with a huge amount of money is the best way to obtain the happiness. Consequently, many people will try to earn as much money as possible in many different way. In other words, it can be smuggling or even worse. Of course, not everybody live that way because some of them obey to the law. But, the rest of them do. Therefore, for numerous people money is the number one priority. They do not even care how other people suffers from that. By way of an illustration, a guy whose job is selling drugs. Obviously, he does it for his own family or for oneself. But just imagine yourself if the entire world going to earn money that way.

On the other side of the coin, a huge group of people fail to observe this place as their home because of the daily convenience. To clarify it, the person who is a commuter. Unfortunately, he lives a long way from work without having any bus stop or subway nearby and so on. Hence, he will have to use his private vehicle, which contaminates our environment. Subsequently, our planet is gradually being polluted and it leads us toward global warming. It can also apply to tremendous factories that made by human for the reason that factories emit emissions such as some chemical gases which are dangerous and harmful for our miracle planet.

By way of a conclusion based on the arguments explored above. I completely concur with the statement due to human's greediness and lack of liabilities of our planet.

i would like to hear some critics ;D

gbekil 7 / 15  
Oct 3, 2014   #2
for example in your first paragraph money is just an example if you first mention about your main reason it can be more fluent.
nassimnina 2 / 2  
Oct 3, 2014   #3
At one point you say, "Consequently, many people will try to earn as much money as possible in many different way" and just a quick grammar fix- it's supposed to be "ways" not "way

"Of course, not everybody live that way because some of them obey to the law." this should be "not everybody [lives] that way become some of them obey the law" (change it to lives and take out the to)

"suffers" should be suffer
its good just make sure you take care of all the grammatical errors!
vangiespen - / 4077  
Oct 3, 2014   #4
Humans are very materialistic and greedy creatures. Since, the day we first step on this planet till these days. Consequently, it hinders our view about this world. In particular, nowadays those things can be money and utility for human beings.

Vns, you can add more to this introduction so that you can strengthen your opinion on the matter. Remember the rules of essay writing? Your introduction should contain a restate prompt, overview of your discussion, and finally your opinion. You already have a strong opinion, so you just need to add more to it :-) Don't forget to openly agree or disagree prior to stating your opinion.

First and uppermost, the majority of people consider that living with a huge amount of money is the best way to obtain the happiness. Consequently, many people will try to earn as much money as possible in many different way. In other words, it can be smuggling or even worse. Of course, not everybody live that way because some of them obey to the law. But, the rest of them do. Therefore, for numerous people money is the number one priority. They do not even care how other people suffers from that. By way of an illustration, a guy whose job is selling drugs. Obviously, he does it for his own family or for oneself. But just imagine yourself if the entire world going to earn money that way.

Essays are more effective when the sentence does not start with a bunch of filler words. Also, you want to say "First and foremost", not "First and uppermost". Let us know if this point of view is part of your point of view on the matter or if you are referring to the general opinion on the issue. That way we know how to take or understand what is being said.

On the other side of the coin , a huge group of people fail to observe this place as their home because of the daily convenience. To clarify it, the person who is a commuter. Unfortunately, he lives a long way from work without having any bus stop or subway nearby and so on. Hence, he will have to use his private vehicle, which contaminates our environment. Subsequently, our planet is gradually being polluted and it leads us toward global warming. It can also apply to tremendous factories that made by human for the reason that factories emit emissions such as some chemical gases which are dangerous and harmful for our miracle planet.

You can better open this sentence by saying "However" to show that this paragraph has an opposing stance.

By way of a conclusion based on the arguments explored above. I completely concur with the statement due to human's greediness and lack of liabilities of our planet.

You are stating a new idea that is based upon your personal opinion. Therefore you cannot use this as a closing or concluding paragraph. Essay rules dictate that no new ideas may be presented at the conclusion. So write a separate paragraph and made your opinion stronger using examples from your personal experience or other reading materials. After that, you can write a concluding paragraph :-)


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