How the Australian Bureau of Meteorology gathers up-to-the minute information on the climate

Writing task 1 from practice test 2 ( Cam 1 )

Please give me a feedback about my writing, I'm self-studying and willing to enhance my skill

The figure illustrates how the Australian Bureau of Meteorology gathers up-to-the minute information on the climate in order to manufacture truthful forecasts. Overall, there are eight steps, beginning with the incoming information from satellite and ending with broadcast.

As you can observe from the first step,in order to get a data to be analysed and forecasted,the information have to be gathered exactly as possible on every single minute about the climate.Which comes from a satellite, a radar and a drifting buoy. Then, all the data that have been gathered are sent to headquarter,which is Australian Bureau of Meteorology as satellite photos, radar screens, synoptic charts where it going to be analyzed and manufactured into truthful information. After this, the most reliable information that have been produced, will be prepared on computer to forecast. Eventually, the information will come to entire Australian's spectators via television's news, radio and recorded announcement from telephone.

• 
  C2E40070C45B49E2B.jpeg
  

@katori
Hello! Welcome to the forum. I'm here to hopefully provide you with feedback that'll be helpful for your writing. I wish you a continuous best of luck as you're learning!

Firstly, I think that the introductory paragraph is sufficient already. You had a clear demonstration of your thoughts, making it easier for the readers to know what to anticipate next in the writing.

What I would recommend, for the second paragraph, is to focus more on having necessary and relevant spacing throughout. As noticeable, the second paragraph appears to be rather cluttered and lacks appropriate pauses. Take a glance at the first sentence. It was noticeable how you could have separated this portion into two various parts. If you are able to do this, it'll make your writing easier to digest for the readers.

Furthermore, the portion that starts with 'eventually' could have been utilized as a proper conclusive remark for the writing. It could have been better if you attempted to have a more sophisticated approach to the whole idea. If you, for instance, capped it properly by saying that this is the method of transmission for forecasts and left it at that, it would have been a better option for you.

Thank for your most trustable feedback@Maria
Even when I'm writing the body of this task, I still get confused how am I gonna manage and dig the information as details as possible. But it seem that I only lack of details ( cause i lack of vocabs to describe it), I will working on it , also change "eventually" to "finally" seem it fitter and have more comlex sentences to describle the whole idea in the most particular way as it could. Iam looking further every feedbacks of your as it make me comple my writing skill and also me :). Adios