the effects of the Australian Gold rush
I'm only in 9th grade and this essay is about the effects of the Australian Gold rush.
The Gold Rush's of the 1850s was a major turning point in Australian Colonial History. The gold rush lead to a rapid increase in population, economic growth, the hastening of a democratic government and a huge influx of money which made the colonies prosper, especially Victoria. All this has made Australia the Australia we know today.
Any feedback? (feel free to criticize as much as you want)
Good start! See my suggested corrections below.
The Gold Rush of the 1850s was a major turning point in Australian c olonial h istory. The G old R ush led to a rapid increase in population and economic growth; the hastening of a democratic government; and a huge influx of money, which made the colonies prosper, especially Victoria. All this has made Australia the Australia we know today.
As to capitalizing "Gold Rush," you can go either way. Just be sure to keep it consistent. Either do or don't capitalize the phrase all the way through the essay.
Hey,
Thanks for your help!
I'll post back with the rest of the essay once I finish
I agree with Simone -- this is a very promising start. I'd alter this, though:
"All this made Australia the country we know today."
This avoids the immediate repetition of the word "Australia," which seems unnecessary.
You might want to tell a little bit about what Australia was like before the Gold Rush. It would make for good comparison: Great Britain regarded Australia as little more than a distant penal colony until the Gold Rush in the 1850s . . . It seemed senseless to send convicts to the Australian Colony for life sentences when British citizens were spending their life savings to undergo the same voyage . . . The Gold Rush ushered in a new era for Australia . . . something along those lines.
In your first paragraph, you talk about people coming from other countries and racial tension, but you don't say *what* countries the immigrants were coming from. They weren't all Brits. Asian countries? Other European nations? The US and Canada? India? How did the Gold Rush impact the aboriginal population? When you say that in 1952 alone, 370,000 people came to Australia. What was the population before that? Numbers are abstract to a lot of people and it would help to make it more meaningful. If you need to bulk up this paragraph more, you could talk about how the people got to Australia, what kind of reception awaited them, and what percentage stayed on after the Gold Rush. You could also elaborate on the racial tensions. Was it because of competition for gold? Different cultures and languages? What minority groups were there? Did women come over? Families?
I found this part of the first paragraph to be a little awkward: "Immigration did not only contribute to that though, when the lucky diggers spent their money, people could start making profits and produce more." Maybe reword it to something like: "With the increase in population, came an economic boom."
The second paragraph isn't bad, but it could use a little refinement. Not all areas of Australia were experiencing economic booms as many people left their farms and their businesses to chase the gold dream. Expand on this section and maybe change some of the sentences to something a little simpler like this: "Miners weren't the only ones profiting from the Gold Rush. Industries were established to serve the miners and employment opportunities were abundant."
In your last paragraph, you could talk more about how law and order was maintained during the Gold Rush and how the government profited from the sale of mining permits. Besides the Eureka Stockades, what events helped to put Australia on the road to democracy? What was Britain's role during this time? What happened at Eureka? When men gained suffrage in 1857, what was it that they were voting for?
I apologize for asking more questions than giving answers. As a North American, I didn't learn a lot about Australian history. It is an interesting subject. I'd inspired to go learn more now.
First substance, then style:
What troubled me about the immigration paragraph was the vague reference to racial conflict. What happened, I believe, is that the gold rush was part of a wider immigration pattern wherein people of European descent displaced -- often very violently -- the original inhabitants of the region, who have never fully recovered from that onslaught. That's a very different kind of racial conflict than might happen if people of different races, all from elsewhere, were competing among themselves for resources. So, you will have to be more specific.
This will help you with your cultural growth paragraph -- although you might want to call it cultural change, since one culture grew at the expense of another. Again, be sure to be specific and, insofar as possible, take into account the different perspectives of different participants in this process of cultural change.
Now, style:
You grammar is mostly solid, but you have a tendency to commit the comma splice error, which is when a writer splices together two complete sentences with a comma, rather than separating them with a semi-colon (if they are part of the same thought) or a period (if they are separate thoughts).
But this is what made Australia known for its multiculturalism; high immigration rates contributed in a large part to the multicultural nature of Australia today.
Immigration did not only contributed to multiculturalism, though; when the lucky diggers spent their money, people could start making profits and produce more.
New industries were set up.M ore people could go to work.
They started rebellions, the most famous being the Eureka Stockade protests.U nions formed to pressure governments even more.
Omg, this is the best site ever. I will keep improving the essay. It's due on Monday so I have another day.
THANKS YOU GUYS!! seriously!!
You're very welcome! It's a pleasure to help a student who is trying so hard to write as well as possible.
Ok, essay done (for now)
This is probably the last time for corrections before it's due. Thanks again for all your help guys!
Intro:
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The Gold Rush of the 1850s was a major turning point in Australian colonial history. The Gold Rush led to a rapid increase in population, the hastening of a democratic government, economic growth; a huge influx of money which made the colonies prosper, especially Victoria. All this made Australia the country we know today.
First Main body paragraph
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The Gold Rush had brought a myriad of people into the country. The population trebled between 1850 and 1861. In 1852 alone, 370,000 immigrants arrived in Australia; taking the population from around 300,000 to a massive 700,000. As a result, conflict between different races emerged. The worse affected being the Chinese, the Chinese had always been the outcast on the diggings, the reason being that the Chinese had different ways to the British. But this is what made Australia known for its multiculturalism, high immigration rates contributed in a large part to the multicultural nature of Australia today. Immigration not only contributed to multiculturalism though, with the increase of population came an economic boom. When the lucky diggers spent their money, people could start making profits and produce more. There was more money out there than ever before. The Australian economy was thriving.
This italic bit in the first paragraph I am worried about. The reason is because I cannot talk about the economic changes in an immigration paragraph. I wrote it in so I can have a linking sentence from immigration to economy. Am I correct? Do I need to change it?
2nd main body paragraph
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One of the big effects of the Gold Rush was the boom in the Australian economy. This was caused because of the huge influx of money pouring into the country. Expenditure on public works in Australia increased from 122000 pounds in 1852 to 356000 pounds in 1853, this is clear evidence that there was a lot of money. Victoria had contributed around one third of the world's gold output in the 1850's. As a result there were a lot of people becoming rich. Miner's weren't the only ones profiting from the Gold Rush though. Industries were established to serve the miners and employment opportunities were abundant; the number of flour mills jumped from 20 in 1853 to 40 in 1854. More industries were set up. More people could go to work; the production of bushels of wheat rose from 250 in 1854 to 1148 in 1855. With more money out there, more grander buildings could be built. More schools were also built. The living standards were raised. But questions were being asked about the rights of the people living in this growing country
The italic bits in this paragraph show the added stats I added in to make the essay more interesting. Do you think this works? If it doesn't I will take it out.
3rd Main body paragraph
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The Gold Rush was a big contributor to how Australia's democratic government is run today. The miners were pursuing the government for more rights and for a fair world. The rights they were fighting for included the demolition of the miners license. and the right for all men to vote. They started rebellions; the most famous being the Eureka Stockade, protests, unions formed to pressure governments even more. The Eureka Stockade formed a basis for democracy that exists in Australia today. Finally in 1857, Victoria introduced a law which allowed men over 21 to vote. Although it was only men, it was a start. After a few decades, everyone would have their own say like we are used to now.
I decided to change the 4th paragraph to "changes that happened to Victoria". I think it is the right choice as Melbourne (the capital of Victoria) was called "Marvelous Melbourne" back in those days. I think it is an essential for this essay.
4th main body paragraph
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The Gold Rush has affected the image that people get when they think of Victoria. Because of the Gold Rush, a lot of money was coming into Melbourne. The result, grand and exquisite buildings, attractive landscapes that were out of this world. New buildings started being built, such as art galleries, music halls or the state library that still exists now. It is because of this that people started calling Melbourne 'Marvelous Melbourne'. Artists and writers began capturing 'images' that defined what we call 'typically Australian'. Writers wrote poems and stories while artists drew paintings. Everyone was proud of their country. All this made up a national identity that caught the attention of the world.
I'm not sure if this paragraph is good or not. I just needed to write something to do with the pride that people had for Australia. I think it is important
CONCLUSION!!!
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In conclusion, it is clear that the Australian Gold Rush had a major and lasting impact on Australian society even until now. Whether is was the multiculturalism, our marvelous cities or the Australian pride attitude we have for our country, it has changed our country for the better.
Hopefully I have improved it..
Again, I don't mind writing the whole thing again...
I see two comma splices, which should be fixed as follows:
Immigration not only contributed to multiculturalism, though; with the increase of population came an economic boom.
Expenditure on public works in Australia increased from 122000 pounds in 1852 to 356000 pounds in 1853; this is clear evidence that there was a lot of money.
Hey,
Just curious as to where you found you information? Im currently completing a similar assignment for uni and love the information you included here.
Thanks for your help
I'm more than curious -- you've written an entire research paper on a historical period without a single citation. That could get you in serious trouble. Even if you've paraphrased your sources, you should make sure you are giving them the credit they deserve.
Just wondering if these are honestly your own words?
Curious thing is, I've seen the same text on another website. What a coincidence hey!
In future make sure every single word is your own. Not a just a majority, EVERY SINGLE WORD.
Which website? The parts I've googled don't come up.
Curious thing is, I've seen the same text on another website. What a coincidence hey!
I just ran it through a plagiarism detector (dustball.com has a free one that doesn't require registration or an email address). The *only* site that came up was this one.
JVG115's essay made me realize just how little I know about history outside of the Americas and Europe. It especially piqued my interest in Australian history and I did a little Internet research/learning of my own. I did come across some websites that mirrored the factual information given by the essay's author, but nothing that led me to believe that the writing was plagiarized. Sean's Googling and my own experiment with the plagiarism detection site seem to confirm this.
Hey Notoman, thanks for mentioning the plagiarism detector. I knew such software existed, but I didn't know there was a free version available.
