Topic: The graph below shows the figures for population distribution in the Northwest region fro 1900-2050
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.moving to an urban area trend
The given bar chart illustrates the population distribution of Northwest region during the time period between 1900 to 2050. It can be seen from the chart that moving from rural area to suburban and urban area is the most remarkable trend.
The number of people who live in rural area dropped quickly. In 1900, nearly 65% of the population lived in rural area. In 1950, this number decreased significantly to 45%. Until 2000, only 25% stayed and it is projected in 2050 that under 10% still live in this area.
Meanwhile, the population in the suburban area increased dramatically from 1900 to 2050. In 1900, only 10% lived in this area, but this number doubled to 20% in 1950. The population kept growing fast to 40% in 2000, and it will reach a peak at 55% in 2050.
However, the urban area population only fluctuated around 35% over the past century. From 1900 to 1950, the number remained unchanged until it slightly increased to 40% in 2000 before changing back to the same in 2050.
My writing score is the worst among 4 skills, so I'm trying my best to improve it :( Feel free to leave any comment or suggestions. I'll be very thankful!. It would be greater if you can score my essay or tell me the criteria that I'm failing to obtain. Thank you very much <3
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moving from (...) is the most significant.
(when talking about data, use significant )
hi Tran, you're writing more than 150 words and fore several sentences you used good tenses. on the other hand, for introduction you have to make vivid you comparison, and for you're tenses you have to more pay attention because some sentences have grammatical error and you are inconsistent. I suggest you, so that no repetitive word or monotonous word you can use a word such as approximately, roughly, around and others.
I Hope it Help. ;)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15347 Tran, there are a number of factors that led me to the conclusion that you cannot score any higher than a 4 with this essay. The first, is that your overview statement is incomplete. It does not include the main points for discussion along with the discussion instruction. Next, although you wrote a little over the minimum word count, there was no evidence of true analytical skills being portrayed in your presentation. The information provided includes only the obvious information from the chart. Finally, your sentence count varies in the overall presentation. Stick to the minimum 3 sentence presentation at all times. You do not even meet the maximum 5 sentence count in most instances.
The correct overview presentation is as follows:
A bar graph has been provided for comparison purposes. The rural, suburban, and urban population data of the Northwest region covering the years of 1900, 1950, 2000, including a population projection for the year 2050 was included in the presentation. The general trend of the chart shows that the urban population is the most likely to grow over the given period of time. This essay will now summarize the rest of the given information, allowing for a comparison discussion whenever required.
What information was lacking from your overview? The information for comparison, a clarified presentation of the years involved in the discussion, and the instructions regarding how the analyzed information is to be presented. If you can improve the presentation of information in paragraph 1, then your TA score should be enough to pull up the score to at least a passing level. Right now, your TA score is not higher than a 4 and that affected the overall presentation in the essay. So you scored the same on all counts.
Always look for comparison points within the essay. It does not have to be for the same descriptive information such as "the same urban percentage". As long as the percentages as similar, regardless of the point of similarity, then it should be presented in the essay as part of the deeper analysis presentation. For example, you could have said;
It should be noted that there were similar figures of 20% for the suburban and rural populations during the years of 1950 and 2000 respectively.
Such a statement shows that you took the time to truly look for comparison points as instructed by the original prompt directions. Missing elements such as these will result in a lower score because you only presented the most obvious comparison points in the essay.
....but this number doubled to 20% in 1950.......
The meanings are the same, you can just use one and drop another one out.
Please modify the below line:-
....but this number doubled to 20% in 1950.......
@Tran Minh Hien
Hi, I'd like to make some corrections for you.
it is projected in 2050 that under 10% will still live in this area.
--- You needed "will", or could have simply rewritten it as "it is projected to decline to less than 10%".
You should have made some comparisons as required by the prompt, such as:
--- In 1900, much more people lived in rural areas than in suburban ones.
Holt has briefly pointed out the main faults in this essay. However, I would like to point out some of the other problems:
1. In the introductory statement, while you are paraphrasing the question, please include some more information from the chart , such as, the region categories(rural, urban, suburban ).
There is a grammatical mistake which I couldn't help but pointing out...
... period between 1900 to and 2050.
2. I would say to make a separate paragraph for writing about the overall trend and it's better if you use the word "overall" at the beginning of this paragraph.
3. "The number of people who live in rural area dropped quickly."
I have a problem with the word "quickly" here. I think "significantly" or "rapidly" or "dramatically" would be a better choice. Quickly is a time-related adverb. I think which you tried to mean here that the drop was to a great extent. So, quickly doesn't fit here.
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