ielts: Are we becoming more independent ?

QUESTION: People in the past used to be more dependent on one another, whereas nowadays they lead a more independent life. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that our modern life has changed the relationships between people. They claim that nowadays we become more independent than the past, while others believe the total opposite. In this essay i will examine both sides of this debate, giving my opinion in the end.

To begin with, people assume that we are becoming more independent for many reasons.First of all, they claim that traditional families are now decreasing and fewer people are living in large extended families.Moreover, people nowadays travel more looking for job opportunities. Eventually, they lose contact with their family and friends and start a new life dependently.Furthermore, some people claim that the value and respect for elders declined and now people are depending on self-help philosophies.

In the meantime, other people still believe that we need others support in our lives.People are still concern to keep in touch with their relatives and friends by the help of the social networks. Such as, Facebook, Skype ,E-mails, mobile phones and text messages. Last but not least, although we don't depend on families advice as in the past, we still have colleges and professionals that can provide us help.

In conclusion, having considered both sides of this debate, i strongly believe that despite the several changes that happened on our modern life, humans will never gave up seeking for others advice.

*It would be of great help if you can rate this essay from 9 *

The word-choice and the use of first-person in the essay makes it kinda choppy. For example, in the first sentence, it would be more effective to erase the "our" altogether and use more firm diction instead of "Some people think". "It is believed", "Some individuals argue" or any other variation would make start this essay off better. Throughout this essay instead of referring to society as "we", refer to it explicitly as "society" and use the appropriate pronouns. This makes your essay seem more serious and argumentative.

It is incorrect to to say "more independent than the past". Wording it like this means you are literally saying, we are more independent than the past itself.

Try using a thesis statement that bluntly states your position. It is more effective than waiting till the end to state this. And, instead of claiming you strongly believe, make an affirmative statement (just erase "I strongly believe")

ok thank you so much :) But can you tell me what band score can i get???

I just want to point out some of yours debilities. So, here we go!
The essay is requiring you to answer whether you agree or disagree with the prompt. It did not ask you to interpret both perspectives. So, if i had been you, i would have provided 2 reasons to illuminate my opinions and then concluded with my agreement or disagreement!

It was a good effort !
Do not hesitate to ask me !

Hi, you have asked for rating your essay, so I may give it a 5.5-6.5, depending on the grader. This is because the structure of your essay is very clear, which is a good sign because IELTS essay need to be short and simple. However, in my opinion, there is one phrase is irrelevant


why are you mentioning respect for elders, respect and dependence are two distinct concepts.
One more thing I want to say is be careful with tense :)


I recommend to write: "humans would never give up seeking for others advice

Yeah you are right next time I'll be more careful. Thank you so much