Please check my essay for IELTS.How could I improve?I need 7 in ielts writing.
Question: some peole think that the main benefit of global cooperation is in the protection of environment but othes believe the main benefit is in world business.Discuss the both views and give your opinion.
In this globalization era, the world seems like a global village where international cooperation is urgently needed to deal with some crucial issues like starvation, poverty, environmental damage, economical crisis. Although which sector is benefited more by global cooperation has been a debated issue, some people argued that environmental protection has been received more profit than others. However, I believe that international trade are benefitted more by global collaboration.
It is obviously true that environmental damage and its protection is one of the most prioritised issues throughout the world. World leaders now have realized and agreed to work together to prevent the fatal consequences of environmental damage. For example Kyoto protocol was signed and ratified by 191 countries to work together to halt the progression of climate change. They were committed for reduction of greenhouse gas emission by 5.2%.Some countries now work harder to reduce the emission of green house gas from industries, vehicles by introducing strict rules and regulation. Worldwide the efforts against deforestation have been taken which is identified as one of the major signification cause of climate change. Developed countries now donate a huge amount of money to the developing nations who are more often vulnerable to climate change effects.
On the other hand, global cooperation contributes a lot to develop global trade. Free trade between countries increases now which causes the availability of product internationally and promote competition. For instance American i pod or iphone now in the pocket of almost everyone. Moreover it is claimed that multinational companies and industries move to low wages developing countries.Therefore creating a lot of job opportunities for the people of that regions.
In conclusion, by working together whole world have done a lot for world commerce and environmental protection but still couldn't achieve the target or halt the progression of climate change. Steps taken by international cooperation are not only insufficient but also non benefited for environmental protection.
it is a good work, however it need some work on it
first, in your introduction is better give your reason about what is more beneficial, if it really is. regarding to your opinion, which had effect on global trade or "why the international trade are benefitted more rather than environmental issues, by global collaboration?".
according to your two following paragraphs I think it would better to put your opinion like that, you think both of them were beneficials, as your examples show later.
the rest is very good, you explained both aspects and gave examples.
The conclusion should be a sum up of all your writing in 2-3 sentences, without adding a further or new reasons. find out if you did that in your conclusion?
keep on try and do not forgot to keep the tract of the time.
Thanks Aria for your suggestion but would like to have a suggestion focus on my srtucture and grammer.
In this situation, use the present verb tense instead of the past tense:
...some people argue that ...
environmental protection has been received more profit than others.----This part is not written correctly. What are you really trying to say? Do you mean to say that some people think environmental protection has been enhanced through globalization?
However, I believe that international trade are benefitted more by global collaboration.---I think you are right!
In conclusion, by working together people throughout the whole world have ...
Okay, I see what you mean, now.
Although the question of which sector is benefited more by global cooperation has been a debated issue, some people argue that environmental protection has been funded more than other endeavors. However, I believe...
I think you do have some structure problems in your essay. Since the topic is asking you to discuss both view and give your opinion, I suggest to structure your essay as below:
1. Openning paragraph
2. Discussion of view 1
3. Discussion of view 2
4. Your opinion and evidence.
5. Summary and conclusion.
1.Although---"I think this conjuction in not appropriate,however is better"which sector is benefited more by global cooperation has been a debated issue, some people argued that environmental protection has been received more profit than others.
However----"I think is not appropriatetoo ,overall is better" I believe that international trade are benefitted more by global collaboration.
So I think mybe you should pay more attention to your conjuction word.
2.Long sentence is good but I found I can not understand some of them as:
"Worldwide the efforts against deforestation have been taken which is identified as one of the major signification cause of climate change."
Does it mean that effort against deforestation is the cause for climate change?
3.Ur own opinion is not obvious in conclusion.
Hope I can help you
Thank you all for your nice suggestions. Obviously I wil follow those.