IELTS Writing Task 2: the benefits of technologies mobility outweigh the disadvantage

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g at home, when traveling, etc)
Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantage?
According to Stave Jobs, the head of Apple Inc, from the last century, Apple had successes in the beginning of technology inventions which had begun from computer, mobile phone and internet connection. Apple said that to fulfill their customer request of their technology, they should have a great market around the world. Not surprisingly, new innovation which equates with individual enjoyment boosts new custom in human life. But, is there any demerit of this new custom? Without further ado, let us delve into this issue.

Admittedly, people have been high improvement of life quality since technology influenced human's lifestyle. Some complicated works could be done in a short time because of technology. Not only time but also range is one of the easiest things to reach by internet connection. Distance has been a remarkable thing of internet.

Internet connection has been well-known of its range flexibility. Nowadays, students could reveal theories freely, and they also could do long distance learning by using internet. For students, internet takes a huge part to help them learning much, and it is an economically thing to get.

Moreover, worker or entrepreneur also feels the same way. They could do some complicated calculation, meeting, monitoring, or playing game together from different place because of internet. It is because internet provides ability to reach a very long distance. No matter where they are, whatever they do, as long as there is an internet connection and technology devices, people could finish works easily. However, this perfect quality also could reduce the quality of family or friendship.

Clearly, indeed people spend much time to do plenty things from internet, but I believe that technology made our lives easier, and it changes our attitude towards life. I also think with the invention of computers people became closer and friendlier. I deliberate that managing time to meet face-to-face should do to recover relationship sometime.

Well, it is always good to conclude your introduction with a clear expression about your opinion. The above is not so appropriate for an essay. It's ok for a speech, but not for writing.

Your essay needs lots of improvement in terms of its structure. Follow what dumi suggested you for your intro. Your body paragraphs too need to be improved. This is the overall essay structure dumi suggests for this task and it is a very logical structure that helps you score and handle time effectively at the same time.

Hi Dumi..


It is because I'm trying to make a good hook to attract reader to read further, and if you think this is not appropriate enough, next, I'll try another way. Please remain me others when you find me wrote unsuitable sentences. It would be my pleasure.


. Thanks to remain me again, but actually, I've tried to follow this.
I also tried to do


Unfortunately, I always get confuse to organize in my writing.
I wish in my next essay you could mention directly what is unsuitable connection or sentence in my writing.
It is because I have no idea to find where or what are the mistakes while you and Pahan gave me the overall essay structure.

Well, because I am a newbie in IELTS, I hope you would give me some help with my writing. Again, Thank you.
Best regards,
-indah-

Ok, let me tell you a few things about writing a good hook. First read your prompt very carefully and understand the main point. Here in this essay it is that "working online". So make an interesting sentence that comes before your main point. It should be related to your question and draw your reader into the essay. Let's give a try for this;

With rapid advancement of technology, working online has become a very popular option among working people.