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TOEFL: A/G It is better to do work by machine than by hand.


kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Apr 30, 2015   #1
Hello everyone, i have a toefl essay which I would be delighted if you give the time to read and comment whatever you think about it! Thanks in advance. I hope you have fun reading.

The industrial revolution is one of the greatest revolution that altered the course of mankind. Machines began replacing manual labor efficiently and effectively, allowing man to reach further than anyone had dreamed or hoped. Work and labor never became an obstacle anymore, and people no longer had to learn a great deal of knowledge to work on a specific field. Thus, it is better to do work by machine than by working manually.

The invention of the machine was indeed a great invention. Possessing the capability to perfectly operate in a fixed timing and pace, the machine became the ideal gadget in factories, replacing impassionate workers who often failed to meet their quotas.

...

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Apr 30, 2015   #2
The industrial revolution is one of the greatest revolution thatcould altered the course of mankind by mechanizing everything . Machines began replacing manual labor efficiently and effectively, allowing man to reach further thanbeyond what anyone had dreamed ofor hoped . Work and labor never became an obstacle anymore, and people no longer had to learn a great deal of knowledge to work on a specific field(not a valid point. Btw, the thesis is not clear enough. You wrote three lines abour industrial revolution, but not a single sentence about what the essay is revolving around) . ThusI also believe that getting tasks done mechanically is far better than doing them manually due to XX, YY, ZZ reasons,it is better to do work by machine than by working manually.

I'll go through the rest later :)
OP kibz95 16 / 53 15  
May 1, 2015   #3
Heyyy Ahmad, it's been while. How have you been? Thanks for the time to take a look at my essay, I hope I could do the same to you every now and then.

First and foremost, the industrial revolution sentences are merely hook sentences and/or background information for the readers to have a taste of the differences between how the world operated manually by hand and then by machine.

I must admit, the background information does seem to drag... also my thesis is incredibly weak. I also admit this part,

and people no longer had to learn a great deal of knowledge to work on a specific field.

is really unnecessary even if it is part of how the industrial revolution changed the world. How's this for the hook?

Machines proves to be much more optimal in working than by hand because it surpasses manual labor in speed, accuracy, and quantity.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
May 2, 2015   #4
Hi Kim, I'm good. Thanks for offering me a help.

Machines proves to be much more optimal in working than by handhumans, because itthey surpasses manual labor in speed, accuracy, and quantity.

The invention of the machines was indeed a great invention (two invention in a row? not a good start. The topic sentence should include your precise idea. It needs to tell the reader what the paragraph about.) . Possessing the capability to perfectly operate in a fixed timing and pace, the machineshavebecamebecome the ideal gadget in factories, replacing impassionate??? workers who often failedfail to meet their quotas. The mM achines are faster, cheaper, and easy tooperate, overcoming all the obstacles that made manual labor difficult to control and manage. Perhaps the greatest characteristic machines have that surpassesthat has made them superior to human is the ability not to make any mistakes. With its precise accuracy and calculated movements, there is no human that could par to the perfection machines reach during work. The typewriter is thea perfect example. Not a single human can write asymmetrically, writers are bound to accidently misspell a word, forget a comma, or even spill some ink. The typewriter has the ability to write in perfect symmetrical lines, correct fresh mistakes, and even adjust the place if the writer forgot to add a word. As anyone can see, machines surpass every human weaknesses which is why I assert work could be done much more efficiently than my hand (redundancy is still seen in your work. You do not need to repeat yourself over and over using different words. One topic sentence, one strong supporting sentence (an example), and one concluding sentence are enough) .

On the contraryMoreover , if work is done by handmanually , many companies will have trouble to meet their quota on supply and demand. With the era of internetonline shopping, international shipping, and media advertisements, demand is practically everywhere and unpredictable. If all work is done by hand,repetition the amount of work to be done manually would be next to impossible to supply the incessant demands coming from all over the worldredundant . People would have to work literally all day and night, just to reach their daily goal just before the next day begins. Stress and exhaustion will dominate the workers, completely obliterating the work moral which will additionally hinder the company's progress. For example, various clothes companies like GAP and Banana Republic used to produce their products through manual processesby hand . However, as their reputation rose in the US domestically and internationally, their demands skyrocketed to the point they had to open factories completely based on machines and operators to meet up to everyone's expectations. As a result, their patrons were satisfied and were impressed by their mass productions that they are now herald as one of the most reliable clothing companies. Therefore, machines can allow companies to reachrepetition their quotasrepetition ' faster and more efficiently compared to work done by handrepetition .

Despite the fact we created machines, we cannot deny the fact machines are far more superior in operating difficult tasks that once were done by hand more effectively and efficiently . Thanks tothemachines,Now we live in a world where machines are able to meet the high rate of demand worldwide, what which would not have been possible without their contributionswe can supply who demands and without machines, it would be impossible to do so.

hope you find the comments useful
Cheers,
Ahmad


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