IELTS writing task 2: Bettering public health by the number of sport facilities or other measures

[IELTS WRITING TASK 2]

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

ways to improve and maintain public health

answer:

Some people believe that increasing the number of sports amenities is the effective way to enhance public health, while other feel it has just little effect and that some imperative measures must be added. This essay will discuss both view in depth and will also state why I strongly agree that rising the number of sport facilities is an insufficient way

On the one hand, it is commonly thought that sport is one of the most option to improve both physical and mental health. But rising the number of sports amenities by unintentional way is not only waste of time but also the reason which lead to some serious injuries. Moreover, it is uncontrollable for people to enjoy their life after consuming too much energy that lead to exhausted qualities of their daily activities.

On the other hand, adding some imperative measures is certainly the root of having a healthy life. Some necessary factors such as balanced meal and sleep play an important role in making their life more colorful or exciting. By doing this, the government hopefully educate citizen about fundamental health awareness in terms of healthy diets, the effects of playing sports or the tricky impacts of smoking on their health. Furthermore, that increase the motivation in maintaining their sporty habits instead of some who paid for annual gym membership failed entirely after nearly one month.

To sum up, I also believe that mixing between the sports facilities and some required measures is the best effective way to improve and maintain public health.

But rising ...

but/and/... these word don't be used as the beginning of a sentence.

I observe that you have tried to rephrase the introduction from the question, however, the contrast would seem to be not great enough. You might adopt the range of lexicon such as expanding to replace increasing or using recreation and leisure to replace sport.

For point 1, I am not sure about the argument is strong enough as you mentioned that the increasing nos of sport facilities would lead to some adverse effect.

Overall, the position and article structure are clear. Cheers.

@Harrypham0109
I would watch out for your verb usage. There were instances wherein you were quite confusing. To avoid this, I would opt that you look into simplifying your language. As much as complex usage of terms helps in making an essay more professional, you should always try to make it as comprehensible as you possibly can.

For instance, I would revise your first sentence as:
While it is believed that sport amenities improve public health, there are alternatives that are more important.
This is a simplified version of your sentence. I would opt that you look into removing phrases that you believe do not substantially contribute to your essay. You should apply this as well to your next two paragraphs as you have encountered the same issue.

Lastly, I would suggest that you add more details into your concluding paragraph. A simple sentence is insufficient to prove your point because there's no thesis and analysis to it at all.

Most IELTS writing tasks involve that you maximize your space for content. You can do this through removing adjectives that do not fully contribute to your essay's flow. You can also do this through removing repetitive language.

Optimize your space as much as possible.

I think you should try to expand your ideas to be more convincing. In body 1, you can give some examples of the dangerous consequences of sport injuries or of the reason it can be time-consuming. Please clarify the last sentence of the paragraph.

There are some grammar mistakes
verb tenses such as the reason which lead to; that increase
But can not be used at the beginning of the sentence
and there is a problem with last sentence of body 2, it should be instead of paying...
Good luck!