A big chunk of people's earnings goes to purchasing material things

IELTS Task 2 1/20/2018 (USA)

Overspending on items

Task:
In many countries, as people are earning more these days they are also spending money in buying more and more items. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Response:

Studies have shown that as profit of citizens from different country increases, a big chunk of their earnings goes to purchasing material things. Personally, I believe that this is a forward to a negative growth of humans today. This article will tackle the different drawbacks of overspending money for material items.

One negative effect of this situation is the transformation of people to becoming materialistic. In other words, their character changes towards prioritizing happiness through material things. Furthermore, these people put too much value on money because it gives them the immediate happiness they are longing for. As a result, there is an unending desire of having more than what is already owned. For instance, mobile companies have been upgrading phones every year and a lot of people feel the need of being in the trend of the latest gadgets.

Another drawback is that humans set aside saving money for their future needs. People put too much of their money on other things and does not prioritize their future by saving money. This could effect when they would need emergency funds if future incidents happens. For example, when someone in their family gets sick they cannot help them because they have no savings on their account. This could mean another problem adding to the current endeavor that they are facing.

To conclude, the usage of money on products gives more negative effect than the benefit that one could get. They could have problems with needing money when emergency rises and they could have a materialistic character which is not helpful. These reasons outweigh the benefits of using profit for buying products.

Thank you for reading and writing your feedbacks.

In your last sentence, "these reasons outweigh ...", you imply that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. To strengthen your argument, I think it would be helpful to add another paragraph (above your last paragraph) that briefly mentions possible benefits. That way, you show the reader you see both sides of the argument, but then conclude in your last paragraph that the negatives outweigh the positives.

1- I think you should add concluding line in 1st body paragraph after your example.
2- In conclusion there is no need of last sentence as you already said that in first line of conclusion: more negative than benefit
3- different countries * (Intro)
And do not* , Incidents happen* (2nd Bp)
You can also use these words instead of priotizing rather than repeating it -> think , worried , preference.
Lastly, I didn't get your opening line of 2nd Bp
PS I'm not an expert.

Jommi, there is a confusing sentence in your opening statement. What exactly do you mean by " I believe that this is a forward to a negative growth of humans today"? Listen, you don't need to be extremely wordy or overly descriptive in your essays. Since English is not your native language, it would be best for you to aim for clear sentences that use everyday jargon instead of trying to sound intellectual in a manner that isn't so. You could have simply said "I believe that this is a negative development in our modern society.", which would have been clearer and made more sense. Also, in your concluding paragraph, you only need to restate your support of the negative discussion once. There was no need for the last sentence that mentioned "outweigh the benefits" because that is a totally different prompt discussion and created an open ended instead of concluded essay in your presentation. You lose major points in the TA section for prompt deviations and non-concluded essay presentations.

Thank you so much for your feedback. I am trying to improve with each practice everyday before the actual exam on May. Hopefully i could get a 7 on my writing.

Big thanks.