The question:
" Blood sports have become a hot topic for debate in recent years. As society develops it is increasingly seen as an uncivilized activity and cruel to the helpless animals that are killed. Blood sports should be banned.
To what extent to you agree or disagree?"
Here is my introduction:
"Today's society has become civilized and sophisticated, the complete opposite of our barbaric ancestors who kill animals for fun. Thus blood sports have been increasingly under attack because of its brutality and the killings of helpless animals. I believe that it is an uncivilized practice and that it should banned from society"
Is it ok? Thank you very much
"Thus blood sports have been increasingly increased " , but the question doesn't mention this. Are you sure its okay?
Dang, your introduction is acceptable. It is a good start. However, you need to better develop your opening statement. It does not totally reflect the restated prompt based upon the given discussion. I would have phrased the opening statement in the following manner:
It is said that man has come a long way from his barbaric life during ancient times. Yet, blood sports involving cruelty to animals such as dog fighting and hunting, continue to proliferate in our modern times. While society claims to be developing, there are still those who enjoy engaging in blood sports, which is why it has become a topic of debate in recent years. I am of the opinion that there should not be any exceptions to the clamor to have blood sports banned. If man wishes to prove he has become civilized, then he must no longer engage in cruel blood sports. I will discuss my reasons for opinion further in the succeeding paragraphs.
Take note, I made sure to use the keywords provided in the prompt in order to clue in the examiner as to how well I understood the discussion and the prompt requirements. The restated prompts always need to contain the keywords in order to show a proper understanding of the prompt and allow for a better developed restated thesis.
How about this? " As a civilization, man has come a long way from his barbaric life during ancient times. Yet, as strange as it may sound, blood sports involving cruelty to animals such as dog fighting and hunting, continue to proliferate in our modern times, making it a topic of debate in recent years. I am of the opinion that blood sports are cruel and uncivilized and man must no longer engage in cruel sports if he is to become civilized "
Much better. The salient points of the essay prompt are represented. It offers a clear insight into the original prompt and offers a background for the discussion that will enlighten the examiner. More importantly, the way that you structured the introduction at this point displays your potential to understand the English language and shows off your comprehension abilities. The writing skills that you display, based upon the introduction, can also be deemed to be that of a moderate English learner.
That said, I cannot totally judge the way that your essay will be scored. Keep in mind that you had help in writing the introduction so the quality of the essay may change in the later portions because those will be written solely by you already. You already know how to write the polished essay based upon the example of the introduction. Try to use it as your pattern for writing the rest of the essay. It should not be hard because your discussion points are clearly stated and referred to in the opening statement.