More and more burden over young people with the expectations in the modern world

Hi everyone, I'm taking the ielts test at the end of this summer and my target is 8 in overall.
Could you guys give me a few advices on how to develop on my writing. The writing task 2 is below, please help me to grade it and if it possible, please also advise me how much i can get from below essay (on the scale from 1 to 9).

Thank you very much guys

children in stress

Task 2: Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? (cause: life always has the tendency to more forward, solution: let young children grow in their own way, focus more on self-identity)

There is no doubt that family and society are putting more and more burden over young people with the expectation of growth in education, social development and financial matters. This essay will address some of the root cause of rising in standard of identity and propose solutions to these problems.

Firstly, the cause for this matter is that aspects such as academic knowledge, communication, and financial matter are often considered as criteria to judge the ability to move forward of an individual, therefore people believe putting pressure on those aspects will act as a motivation for children in order to bring up the general life of society. For specific, after many centuries of development, life in general always has the tendency to move up, therefore it is reasonable for parents and society to put more desire to grow onto children with the hope that they will bring about more innovation into the world.

How to cut back on pressure over young people is what need to be concentrated on today. Proposing a solution for this problem could be let children sprout in their own way. Furthermore, adults should shift their focus to self-identity which is also known as allowing children to discover their own potential during their growing up. In this way, young people will have the opportunity to learn more about their personalities and what to do in the future that suits best with them.

In conclusion, the problem that many children have to be under pressure from aspects such as education, social and commercial expectation could be resonated in desire to better of adults and the pressures would likely reduce by letting children free to grow.

Huynh, my style of helping students who as for a score is to score you on an individual basis so that I can fully explain how you made the mistake and how you can fix it. Based on this essay, I can see your potential as an writer and the problems you currently have which you need to address.

Let me start by saying that you need to understand the difference between an ordinary opinion essay and a direct opinion essay. The IELTS test Task 2 is always a single opinion essay unless varied by 2 methods. The first variation is the "compare and contrast" essay and the other, is the "direct question , direct response" essay. The prompt you were provided with falls under the latter description. So, where is the problem then with your essay?

A direct response / opinion essay requires you to immediately start the discussion in the opening paraphrase by allowing you to outline the 3 discussion points that you wish to present in the body of paragraphs. Here lies the difference with the other task 2 essays which do not allow you to begin the opinion discussion in the first paragraph. In the direct question essay, your must outline your response as part of your thesis statement in relation to its positioning in the body paragraphs presentation. The format that you followed here was the one for the ordinary essay opinion discussion. Please remember this difference for your future reference.

Now for the scoring section of your essay. My scoring for this will be as follows:

TA - 5 - you present relevant ideas in the discussion but these ideas are not totally threshed out in the presentation. The reasoning presented is limited in scope and does not always connect within the overall discussion. Using more transition sentences at the end of the paragraphs should help resolve this issue. Make sure that all of the discussion points presented in the prompt are appropriately responded to.

C&C - 5 - You need to learn to develop your discussions in a more believable manner. The best way to do this is by presenting a singular discussion topic per paragraph. That way you have 4 sentences with which to fully explain yourself and why you support such a statement. What I read in this essay are all reference points for discussions which were never fully developed for the benefit of the reader. The reasoning is weak and the supporting statements require further explanations.

LR - 5 - There are errors in your word formation and usage which affect the timeline (tense presentation) in the essay. This makes it very difficult for the reader to make sense of your paragraphs.

GRA - 5 - your grammatical errors stemming from inappropriate word usage and sentence formation problems. You do not really have a proper mix of simple and complex sentence structures. Long sentences (run-on) that combine 2 ideas in one statement, separated by commas make it difficult to keep track of the message of the sentences and create forgettable paragraphs. This creates confusion for the reader who cannot remember what the discussion topic and reasons were all about.

Please remember that there is a 3 sentence minimum with a 5 sentence maximum per paragraph presentation. Do not try to include too many ideas in your discussion if you wish to create an understandable and memorable essay discussion.