TOEFL : business research or agriculture research. What do you recommend for your country?

TOEFL Independent Writing Task:

A university plans to develop a new research center in your country. Some people want a center for business research. Other people want a center for research in agriculture (farming). Which of these two kinds of research centers do you recommend for your country? Use specific reasons in your recommendation

Response:

Research is an important element that helps in development of a country. It is essential that there is a significant amount of contributions in research so that new discoveries and answers to the unknown phenomena are found. If a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I will recommend a center for research in agriculture ( farming). The reasons for the same are illustrated in the subsequent paragraphs.

First of all, in Indian sub-continent farmers face large number of problems in farming. They are not able to get appropriate pesticides as the pests have become resistant to them. Further, there is lack of efficient irrigation techniques that could help in the growth of crops. So, there is a need for research in agriculture to research the solutions for these problems. Scientists can help in the research of new pesticides or help farmers in finding a substitute that can block the growth of pests.

Second, the temperature and atmosphere vary abruptly destroying the crops either by drought or by flooding. So, farmers don't have the knowledge and availability of methods to prevent such scenarios. A research center in agriculture can assist farmers by researching new techniques and methods.

Third, there is a dearth of research centers for agriculture research in India. Majority of research is in fields such as defense, technology etc. So, farmers have to follow traditional techniques to prevent harm to their crops and use pesticides, techniques without knowing the actual impact to their lands. Moreover, a research in agriculture can help in reducing money spent by government for agriculture.

To sum up, a university should plan to develop a research center in my country for research in agriculture (farming). This research can also help farmers in using genetically modified crops that will be more beneficial for the public and will cost less in terms of raising and irrigating the crop.

Please comment and review the above task. Also, please let me know how can the above task be improved.

Excellent hook. Your intro is perfect. However, i think last sentence of your intro is redundant. You can write it in the 3rd line with your opinion. You can write it this way: "If a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I will recommend a center for research in agriculture ( farming) and this is for 2/3 reasons. "

Your reasons were good. Nevertheless, you did not give any specific example to support your reason. You can make your writing more elaborate by saying, you know that in your village farmers are facing several problems and then say what kind of problem they face. However, you have mentioned some problems that farmers face in your 1st body para but they are not focused. By saying you know this from your life experience you can make a strong connection with your writing and your example. it is not mandatory to write about real life experience, you can write hypothetical examples. Even, i don't know whether farmers of my village face any problem or not. but i will write, i know farmers of my village face problems. My point is make it more focus and coherent by giving more specific examples. At the end of the para you should say how new research center can help your village. This way you can create a coherent writing; your word count will increase. Same suggestion goes for your next 2 body para. however, you should write about different scenario in next para to support your new reason. Same scenario can bring repetition in your writing. Be aware of that.

By the way, i personally believe, it will be better if you describe 2 reasons with supporting examples rather than 3. And i am saying this because, come up with 2 reasons is easier than 3. In addition, as you are giving specific example to support your idea, therefore, it will not hurt your word count.

last but not least, don't use numbers like firstly secondly. This is too cliche. It will be better if you use main reason, in addition, furthermore, moreover, on the other hand; this kind of linking words to describe your reasons.. :)

wish you all the best :)

Thanks jon_snow