Irfan, I can see that you are having a hard time expressing yourself coherently in this essay. Most of your paragraphs became under developed as a result of this. You have a tendency to present an idea without actually developing the supporting thoughts behind it. Therefore, your essay does not successfully deliver your message, concerns, or thought process. Take for example the following paragraph:
Further, I strongly believe that a business person will disagree if money is the main basis.- There was nothing in your introductory paragraph that could have prepared the reader for this "additional" stand that you took towards the end of the paragraph. You need to always remember that readers need to be set up or introduced to the next idea that you will be discussing, then that new idea should be discussed in a separate paragraphs. You need to use connector words and insert a transition sentence in order to bring this paragraph together.
While your succeeding paragraphs deliver valid reasons, you did not really create very convincing statements to have the reader believe in your stand on the issue. It is not enough to just give acceptable reasons, you need to draw upon other examples of logic in order to create a believable conclusion for your essay. One way to strengthen your essay would be to delve upon your personal opinion of the matter and using your personal experience to support your conclusion. That way the connection between your logic, other people's beliefs, and the opposing argument come full circle as a valid and acceptable discussion on the matter.
It is also very obvious that you tried to use a thesaurus or dictionary for some terms as you did not use them properly in the sentence. An example of this flaw on your part is the following sentence:
As exemplify, residents compete to be accepted in large company- Instead of saying to exemplify, you should have instead said "Take for example" or "An example of this..." Exemplify means to show or illustrate by example. So you have the right idea, you just did not use the correct version of the word for the sentence. That in turn created a wrong grammar scenario for the rest of the paragraph.
Remember, the examiner will be more impressed if you use simple words to express yourself. He is not out to find out how many big words you know in the English language. He just wants to know that you have a basic grasp of the language that will allow you to express yourself coherently whenever necessary.