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Task 2 IELTS - The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this


irfan727 49 / 68 29  
Sep 17, 2015   #1
Having a concern is one of everyone's dreams. The majority of people guesses the aim of creating a business for gaining cash and they just focus on how to get it. Although money has prominent functions, there are other factors have more importance, like passion and enjoying to do that activity. Further, I strongly believe that a business person will disagree if money is the main basis.

Money is everything. That is the natural answer for most individuals, they just reckon how to earn money as much as possible. As exemplify, residents compete to be accepted in large company, with a hope, they can earn cash. If the purpose of making a business for obtaining cash, there another way such become an employee in the company. In result, they will acquire and enjoying it.

Creating a business is talking about what passion's people. They think becoming an entrepreneur as their hobby, not as their burden and they do not think about money as the fundamental factor. For instance, Steve Jobs, a founder of Apple corporation, argued that he did not do his job about money. He loved what he was doing at that time. A lesson from him if the people have an interest in something and concentrate to make a business, they will do that without compulsion.

In conclusion, according some of people, money is an important thing. Yet, others say that it is contrast because the main point is individuals have to relish what they do although a small business.
Bayuwibowo 48 / 73 21  
Sep 17, 2015   #2
Hello brother 727

Overall, it is a very good writing

But you can enlarge your idea in base on the question such :
-Protect environment
-Human development

let me try to improve your writing

like passion and enjoying to do thatthe activities

As exemplify, residents compete to be accepted in large company, with a hope, they can earn cash .If the purpose of making a business for obtaining cashmoney , there another way such becomeS an employee in the company. In result, they will acquire and enjoying it

Green one mean its singular (Another)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 17, 2015   #3
Irfan, I can see that you are having a hard time expressing yourself coherently in this essay. Most of your paragraphs became under developed as a result of this. You have a tendency to present an idea without actually developing the supporting thoughts behind it. Therefore, your essay does not successfully deliver your message, concerns, or thought process. Take for example the following paragraph:

Further, I strongly believe that a business person will disagree if money is the main basis.

- There was nothing in your introductory paragraph that could have prepared the reader for this "additional" stand that you took towards the end of the paragraph. You need to always remember that readers need to be set up or introduced to the next idea that you will be discussing, then that new idea should be discussed in a separate paragraphs. You need to use connector words and insert a transition sentence in order to bring this paragraph together.

While your succeeding paragraphs deliver valid reasons, you did not really create very convincing statements to have the reader believe in your stand on the issue. It is not enough to just give acceptable reasons, you need to draw upon other examples of logic in order to create a believable conclusion for your essay. One way to strengthen your essay would be to delve upon your personal opinion of the matter and using your personal experience to support your conclusion. That way the connection between your logic, other people's beliefs, and the opposing argument come full circle as a valid and acceptable discussion on the matter.

It is also very obvious that you tried to use a thesaurus or dictionary for some terms as you did not use them properly in the sentence. An example of this flaw on your part is the following sentence:

As exemplify, residents compete to be accepted in large company

- Instead of saying to exemplify, you should have instead said "Take for example" or "An example of this..." Exemplify means to show or illustrate by example. So you have the right idea, you just did not use the correct version of the word for the sentence. That in turn created a wrong grammar scenario for the rest of the paragraph.

Remember, the examiner will be more impressed if you use simple words to express yourself. He is not out to find out how many big words you know in the English language. He just wants to know that you have a basic grasp of the language that will allow you to express yourself coherently whenever necessary.
shintacandrade 10 / 74 87  
Sep 20, 2015   #4
Since vangiespen's feedback has helped you a lot to improve your writing, I just want to give you a few more suggestions. Here it is:

Your hook:

Having a concern is one of everyone's dreams.

Your thesis:

Further, I strongly believe that a business person will disagree if money is the main basis.

To me, your hook is too broad. As per the rule of academic writing, an effective hook is often based on the general topic or theme of the thesis. For this reason, what you need here is to create a more specific, appropriate hook.

Cheers! ~ Shinta


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